I Am a Runner... But I'm Still Here...

 Hi y'all. I have sooooo many topics flowing through my brain, that I am not even sure where I should start. I just know that my blog is looking pretty bleak from my lack of writing... it's the same with my witchy stuff, I have been slacking so bad, that I am feeling it in my every day waking hours (even the sleeping ones)...

Anybody who knows me, knows I can disappear at the drop of a hat, and I am pretty good at it. If you didn't know that about me, then the past 6 months would have been a complete shock to you; another fun fact about me is if I am done with someone, I am completely done. Please don't come at me with their BS. I am living my life and I have zero energy to spare to hate, nor even dislike someone... I wish them well and hope they can enjoy life... it really is that simple. I don't care who he is banging, or if he is in jail or if he is doing the same thing he has done to every chick before me... read my lips... I DO NOT CARE!!!

Anyways, I am not in the mood, nor have I ever really come here to blast names or other bullshit on my blog, as this is my story and one I like to share... at least those thoughts that I feel might help someone... Here is my story for right now...

I got some music blaring in my ears as I try to figure out how to write this without offending others... Yah, I am trying to be a bit more sensitive these days. Normally, I am a fairly bubbly person and I DO share quite a bit on my social media; but how much do I truly share?

Most people know that I have been dealing with my health issues for a good 15/20 years and the C "graciously" returned into my life with a vengeance. The 22nd was my first appointment back at the dreaded cancer clinic, and I am kinda all of the place with stuff going on. I am fully laying it out there. I had ZERO intention of coming back to fight it. I had fully accepted that I was sick, and I had decided that it was time to just let go; live in a peaceful, quiet area and just let me slip away. 

Alas, this was not a viable answer for my loved ones and I had to travel back to our hometown and accept the call from clinic that I have been avoiding. I took the appointment, and here I am, two days later, feeling this is absolutely a clusterfuck. The only thing new that I learned in the past few days is that they believe the cancer is more in my blood than in my bones... I don't know jackshit about cancer; all I know is that being tired and sick 24/7 is NO way to live.

I am going to take this cancer news with a grain of salt... as should you. I currently have 18 specialists, besides my family doctor, and most of them can't tell their heads from a hole in their ass. Their lack of communication makes me feel like I am dealing with a bunch of kindergarten toddlers who don't want to share what they have, or discovered... if it wasn't for being so frustration, I might find all this BS amusing; but its gotten REALLY old when the medical staff at the cancer hospital keeps calling me the "Mystery Patient and they need to call Dr House"... the joke wasn't funny 15 years ago, and its definitely not funny now. The only joke is out medical system that seems to just want to ply more and more tests on me, rather than dealing with the issues we already know.

They took 22 tubes of blood, sending 17 of them to the US. I've lost weight, and its happening to quick. They want me taking it easy, using my walker and crap... but we all know how that goes. I am stubborn and although I know I am sick; please let me enjoy the guilty, every day pleasures that everyone does until I no longer can. Sorry for the bluntness but I am sick, not dead... YET!!!

I guess the bottom line of this blurb is that I actually went to the appointment. There was a lot of doubt that I wasn't going to go, especially self-doubt; but I DID IT!!! I have a few more appointments to get through before the holiday season, but I honestly think this first step was ultra-important that I took it on my own... and I did. 

I can't tell you what is around the next corner, but I DO know that my tribe has got my back. Man, if it wasn't for them pushing me soooooo hard, I don't think I would have even returned from down east to be here. I mean, everyone knows my kids mean everything to me, and this time with my daughter and grandddaughter has been the best. I never expected life to be like this, but I am doing it... because if anyone knows how to do life alone... it is ME!!! 

Anyways, not much else to add to this blurb. I hope you all have an awesome weekend; especially my American friends who just celebrated Thanksgiving together. I know, as a Canadian our Thanksgiving was last month, but who says I can't be thankful everyday???

I am thankful for my kids, they are the ones who keep my heart beating. My grandkids are the reason there is laughter in my life and an incredibly, unconditional love. My best friend for being the ass he can be... for being the one who is always there by my side or picking my up. He's the angels on my shoulders... yes, he's both and I wouldn't have it any other way. My brothers who are make this life complete. The brothers, that every girl wanted... my brothers are the iron will that I need, but also the softness that everyone needs... they give that to me. My sisters are the same, none of us sugarcoat things but we will protect our familia to our dying breath.

Geez, seems I was babbling today. I just want to say Thank you to those who watched my struggle and instead of letting me just take flight, you all helped me see that I needed to face this head on, if I wanted any type of life. I don't think any of you have a clue how important you are. Remember on your hardest days, that there is always someone around to listen to you... I, for sure, am one of them. I'd rather listen to you talk for hours than listen to a 5 minute eulogy at your funeral; just sayin!!!

Stay blessed my beautiful lovies!!!