I Feel I Need to Talk About This...

 Hey y'all. I know it has been quite some time since I have written last but tonight I finally am taking a breath and really feel I need to write a post about recent events that happened in the entertainment world. Now, I know many of you will say, you're writing about someone you don't even know personally, but that isn't really what the post is about...

This past weekend, those of us who watch or work within the entertainment industry, especially daytime shows, then you surely have heard about the passing of Billy Miller, who would have turned 44 years old yesterday. Now, I am not one to sit here and write about all these celebs and their personal problems or issues, but Billy's passing IS something that needs to be discussed... more like, the events leading up to his death is a topic people cringe from, but is very prominent in our society.

Billy Miller, (may his tormented soul finally find the peace he craved his entire life on this earthly plane), suffered from manic depression; something I am all too familiar with... This one hit me hard because I know people are questioning how someone who had a job like he did could possibly be depressed, or the awwww, poor lil rich boy. I know these words are coming from people who are the true definition of "ignorant". Mental illnesses, like cancer, do not discriminate... anyone can be affected by it... it doesn't care if you're rich, poor, good or bad... it takes anyone!

I am trying so hard to not make this a rant because the message is far more important than the feelings I am having right now. We, as a society, need to really open our minds and see how bad the mental health is of our entire world. Some will blame it on the stupidity of TPTB, but it is soooo much more than that. Mental health has been shoved into the media foreground, as Bell has its "Let's Talk" day every year, and we have months that are dedicated to mental health... but what is really being done to help?

I cannot comment too much on Billy Miller's situation, as I don't know what his diagnosis was nor how he was being treated; so I don't want to make this solely about a tortured soul. I guess what I am trying to say is we all need to do better. Depression is a massive problem in this world and it's time to stop shoving it under the rug, or people brushing it off. Do I have the answers? Absolutely not, but I DO know that what is being done is clearly not working.

As I am not shy about it, I am going to divulge a little about my own struggles so that it might help others understand a little more about mental health and the all around effect it has on those who suffer from it and their loved ones dealing with the fall out from it all...

I have manic depression and severe PTSD, as well as OCD... to name a couple things. I have literally been a guinea pig for medications since I was a young teen and pretty much none of the medications work, and if they do, not for long. Straight up, I have attempted suicide several times, I've got the scars to prove it. Now, I am not sharing this for sympathy. I wish to share this for awareness. 

I have been through several psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors through the years; each one having their own ideology and what should be taken or done for me to get better... when I tell you I have been through the wringer when it comes to my own mental well being, it would be the understatement of the year. If you know what I am talking about, then you know how hopeless this process becomes when its been over 34 years. You literally have to take each day as it comes, each hour, each minute or even second if that is the case.

I CAN say that for the first time EVER, I had a psychiatric visit that has given me hope... Bear with me as I explain this...

I went to see what was probably my 13th or 14th psychiatrist in my 48 years, last fall. Now, I admit, I cancelled seeing him about 6 times before I finally felt I should see what he had to say. I had informed my doctor already that I knew I needed the help because I was on the edge for a very long time... taking all the pills I could find... injecting myself with all the insulin I could find... slicing my arms... you name it, I was doing it. Anyways, I am getting off track...

It took everything in me to go to the appointment, but I got there. I went to see the receptionist and she tried to give me a mask to wear, handing it over in tongs... WTF?!! I told her I wasn't wearing one and I didn't even want to be there and sat in the cold hard ass chair, staring at these very bleak white walls, wondering why the hell I was putting myself through another round of bullshit. Anyways, the doctor quickly came out I am sure the receptionist informed him that I was very edgy and looked like a deer in the headlights, because honestly I was really ready to run (I fully admit, I am a RUNNER!!!)

Let's get into the office and I'll tell you how THAT went...

I sat in the corner, as I always do because I cannot handle having people behind me and I need to be able to see all exits at all times (see? PTSD!!)... He instantly asked me how I reacted to them trying to give me a mask. I told him flat out that I will not wear a mask. I don't agree with them and with all my health conditions I am exempt from wearing one. He asked how I felt... now that was an interesting question because usually when I had made that statement, it was dropped or someoen would try to lecture me to wear it and all THEIR reasons why my freedoms and privacy should be breeched to appease THEM... He paused at my response and I told him to be frank with me because I can't stand people beating around the bush.

As a medical professional, in this particular field, he gained my instant respect when he was very blunt with me. He told me I see the world as very black and white. There's a right and a wrong way, but no in between. I said that is true. He asked me a lil about my life and how I got to where I was, including how many times I have attempted suicide. He asked me quite bluntly if I regretted trying it. I looked him directly in the eyes and told him, "NO!!!" This answer shook him a little bit as he revealed that none of his patients have ever told him that; they all said they immediately regretted it. I told him that they were lying then. 

As you can see, this visit was not for the faint hearted, as I wasn't going to pretend to be this happy-go-lucky person everyone expects me to be and he knew it. I know, you all think I am weird as I took this on as a challenge and I didn't feel like being anything other than what I felt. He asked me a lil about my past, I told him about being abandoned, adopted, tossed away and vaguely about my relationships... and he said something that completely blew my mind... HE ACTUALLY LISTENED AND HUNG ONTO EVERY WORD I SAID!!!

He asked me to look at him as he told me this, and anyone who truly knows me, it is VERY difficult for me to look people in the eyes; but I did it. He validated what I have been feeling for years, but did shock me with his words. He was the first psych to ever admit that my mental health was more environmental than it was chemical. Do you have ANY idea how incredible that felt? The shocking part was this... he told me that I didn't know how to accept love. I didn't know how to be loved because of my upbringing; two mothers who didn't give a fk about me... on the streets as a young teen, fighting with every fiber of my being to survive and be "somebody"... be ANYBODY! 

Now, to most of you, that probably seems bizarro, but it validated what I had been saying for a long time. He suggested me going to group therapy (That was a big fat NO for me), saying I needed to unlearn what life had taught me, and learn coping skills on how to accept love and to be loved. It felt good to know that I was not beyond help, although I never did go on ZOOM and partake in any of the sessions... my doctor told me, he understood how I felt and when I was ready he would set it up for me.

I think our world needs a lot more psychiatrists and specialists like him. He wasn't there to shove medication down my throat and just toss me to the wolves. He truly took the time to not just listen, but really HEAR me. I just want the world to not just listen to people's voices, but to hear what they are not saying. So many of us who have mental health conditions have been ridiculed, ignored and chastised for our feelings, that most have come to the point that its easier to hide it behind drugs, alcohol or other habits than bring it up to our loved ones anymore.

THIS is what this blurb was all about... HEARING people. We are losing way too many people to the other side because we're too busy judging instead of trying to comprehend the struggles or suffering. Just remember, its not just communication that is important... comprehension is the key. Mental health is no joke, and just because it is not visible to the naked eye, doesn't make it any less valid. 

Let's not designate a certain month to something that is pretty much an epidemic in our world. We need to do better...

I want to end this with a little message... I see a meme all the time that says I would rather hear your problems, than your eulogy... this is a fact!!! 

RIP BILLY MILLER (WILLIAM JOHN MILLER II Sept 17, 1979 - Sept 15, 2023)

Stay blessed. Be well and be loved. If this blurb can even help one person, than bearing my guts is completely worth it.

Blessed be lovies

Originally posted: September 18, 2023