Rant of the Day

 

I wasn't sure I would have the strength to do any writing tonight, but I am desperately trying to keep my mind occupied. Is it working? Not so much!!! So here I am, maybe you'll be able to decipher what I am saying...

As I have mentioned before I have to go to the cancer clinic and figure out what is the best form of treatment for me, and that scares the shit out of me; but what threw me for a loop was when a friend mentioned the appointment is in 8 days. WTF?!! I know that I lose spaces in time but not a full two weeks.

This revelation has put me into full panic mode... chest pains, puking, shakes... you name it, it's happening. I just don't know how I am going to cope with all of this. I am sooooo overwhelmed with it all.

I guess the scariest thing right now is the unknown. Am I going to need chemo and radiation? Am I going to need surgery on my stomach?? I got an appt already booked with an orthopedic surgeon who is going to deal with my hip dysplasia, so that's another surgery. How much do they expect my body to tolerate before I completely pooch out? Not just that, but I am allergic to anesthetic.... so they only alternative I have is for the hospital to use fentanyl, and the last time they did that, they accidentally overdosed me, and we were forced to stop the procedure. 

When that happened, I spiraled out of control. It brought me right back to when I was roofied and sexually assaulted a few years back. It caused me to hit a massive depression, why? Because at the hospital you're supposed to be safe. I had to put my life in their hands and they screwed up LARGE. So as it stands right now, I am very iffy on ANY procedure being done on me anymore, and quite frankly, it may take my brothers literally dragging my ass to the hospital so I go to the cancer clinic BUT I will make every effort to go through this insanely painful and lonely process.

I say "lonely" in the sense that its my body that will be enduring all of this medical stuff, even though my bf, brothers, friends and kids are by my side... I truly have to do the process on my own. No one can do it for me; that doesn't mean I don't 100% love and appreciate all of them, it just means I need to find my own backbone and do it.

You have no idea how much that is scaring me; and I don't scare easily. Okay enough on this topic, my head and heart hurts and I just need to take a breath and rest, when honestly I want to conjure up a storm and just scream through the thunder and lightning. Release all this scary stuff and absorb the universe's strength.

Well, enough of this blurb.... just letting you know I am not in a good headspace and doing my best to get through it.

Stay blessed lovies

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