Tell Me How... Give Me the Strength

 I really don't even know where I should begin this blurb. I literally wrote the title 4 days ago, trying to find the words that will not come... This is pretty much a first for me. I love speaking my mind and expressing my true self in my blogs, but tonight, I struggle. I guess I could say that "Life is just hitting a little too close to home", for my liking.

We talk about family, and then we talk about "FAMILY"... IYKYK ... I am not about to go into the depths of what means what to me and why one is far more precious than the other, even though it is very pertinent to this story.

As many of you know, I was raised up in a pretty messed up way, ending up on the very busy, dangerous streets of one of the biggest cities in my country, as a mere teenager (barely 14). I had to learn to be my own hero most of the time. Trauma caused me not to trust anything from anyone, but I did it. I did it without alcohol nor any type of drug; but I still don't think that deserves any type of pat on the back. I don't for a second feel like I am some kinda of indestructible being. I am just me!!! (You'll hear me say that a lot). Anyways, this is not what I am writing about tonight...

Those who know me, know that 14 years ago, my spouse died at the mere age of 34; I was 33... that tragic event nearly took me to the afterlife with him. I really felt I couldn't survive without him... our souls were sooooo intertwined that I never believed I could be an entitiy without him.  Truth be told... his death is what taught me how to live. He left this earthly plane so that I may LIVE. I know, that sounds so fkd up to some, but if you knew me and him, you knew exactly why it happened the way it did. Not to dismiss him, nor ignore how vital he was to me; everyone knew the time was coming and I would never have left any other way. I am soooo loyal that I never would have walked away from him, no matter how difficult things got... not relationship wise, but physically on both of us. 
He always felt he was a burden and there was no way in hell, I was going to allow him to feel that about himself, even though his very own flesh and blood turned their backs on him, until he died and THEN wanted everything of value that we owned. His "family" treated him horribly and he felt that pain every single day that he breathed. I could have killed them for being the way they were, but that would not be honouring him; so I kept my mouth shut and just cared and loved from him and our family right until the very end. 

I am not going to lie, I spent 6 years watching him slowing vanish right before my eyes. This bigger than life, boisterous beast of a man was dealt one of the shittiest deals life had to offer him, and he took it with a sinister grin and devilish laughter, no one could remotely compare to. Those 6 years will be the most precious and valuable years of my life; throughout sickness, we continued to teach the other what was important and what was needed to get out of our lives.... people... bitterness... regret... the "what ifs"... never asking for more than what we had and most of all, that love will survive through it all, if you trust it.

One of the greatest gifts he gave me was the ability to love my children like never before. Sure, me and my children had our ups and downs, and as their mother, I know I have failed them in ways I could never forgive myself for BUT they have forgiven me, and by watching them being adults and parents themselves has given me the greatest joy I could ever ask for; Lord knows, I didn't deserve such amazing beings as my legacy. I just feel so honoured and blessed that they are my children and both forces to be reckoned with... in their own ways. I could never truly put into words the depths of my love for them.

Yes, I am getting off track here...

I don't even know where I am going with my train of thought right now. I just know that I have had some terribly losses in my life, and he would probably be the number one soul I lost that I will never get over... my Aunt and Uncle being close seconds... you may be asking why I am on such a morbid topic??? Its because I have once again be called upon to be the "death doula" for another loved one... and this one is going to be by far the hardest path I will ever take. I am not going to get into details right now because I only want to send out the best of vibes into the universe and am desperately trying to manifest the BEST outcome possible. (Just ignore the tears pouring down my face right now...)

I need to puff out my shoulders and prepare for everything that is coming my way; it's something that has always been expected of me... even though I am the blacksheep in the family, the outcast, the "dirty lil secret" that people would rather forget... it comes to me, because I am literally the ONLY one out there that is capable of shouldering this kind of pain and still be able to guide those who will be devastated by the loss that will eventually come.  

Does it suck??? Sure, it does; but this is me, and this is what I do. I am very good at tucking away my own emotions to help ease the pain/burden of everyone else. I did, however; tell those closest to me that this one is going to be a BIG one.  I know what is needed of me, I need to hold up everyone in their time of fear, grief and mourning... but who TF is going to be holding me up? (The instant those words pop into my head or out of my mouth, I sound like I am the most selfish person in the world...)

You know, I have always struggled with the phrase that "God will never give you more than you can handle!"  my issue with that is... what about when I say I have had enough??? I don't think I can watch another person I love more than anything die right in front of me. It's breaking me, but I will ALWAYS stay because I KNOW that whomever is passing over needs someone with an insurmountable ability to separate their own anguish to ensure the others are safe to leave and it is okay to pass on to the otherside.

Call it a blessing, but most of the time I call it a curse. Honestly, all I want to do right now is to absorb every ounce of this person's pain and take it as my own. This person has been the earth angel to my fire demon for our entire lives... when they use the words "hell hath no fury.." they had zero concept of what happens to a fire demon when the inferno erupts... THIS is what I fear. I fear there will be no purpose and I will become unstoppable with grief. I do not know how anyone is going to pull me back from this one, including my beloved children and grandchildren.

I know, I know... everyone says I got this and I know where I am needed. I have been told to "man up" by someone I have looked up to, loved and respected for decades. I have brothers who are telling me that I need to be here and be strong and that I can do this. How does everyone have so much faith in me, when I am literally faltering and quivering at the knees??? How can y'all be so sure I can be the pillar of strength that is needed? Can you promise me that after all is said and done, that I won't be facing my own demise??? Can you tell me that?!! Are you going to be the ones who pick up the pieces I will not be able to reach for ever again?

The only thing I know right now, is I love this person beyond the veils of this world and the next, and the previous one... I know how much joy will greet them on the other side, when their time comes; as for now, I am here being an angel to an angel... and man, oh man, those words sound foreign to me. I don't refer to myself as an angel... not after all I have done and endured; but her??? She is be far the closest thing to an angel I have ever known... and it is for that very reason, I will hold her hands, tonight, tomorrow an every day after that until she is called "home." I just pray its not for another 50 years (wishful thinking, I know... but I HAD to throw that out there!!!)

May the angels be with all of you tonight. Stay golden. Stay safe. Be well and Be loved.

Blessed Be lovies

Original Date Published:  July 10, 2023