Too Old For This

 Before I sit and chillax and try to catch up on the show "Mayans MC", I felt a need to sit down and write a blurb. Let's be real, if it wasn't for you guys (you know who you are) holding me up... I probably wouldn't be here today. I am just being real with y'all.  

As many of you know, I struggle with mental health pretty much my whole life, at least since I was in my very early teens... usually my suicidal tendencies last no more than a day or two at most. I generally don't have any rage issues because I have learned that being angry with someone for their transgressions against you, doesn't benefit anyone, especially since they wouldn't care... they hurt you in the first place, right?

A lot of my personal growth has to do with my spirituality... Yes, I still bawl my eyes out. Yes, I get mad, sad, happy or whatever emotion everyone else feels; I have just learned to shut them away. The biggest lesson I have learned and can only hope you all can learn from my personal experiences is this... the more negativity you put out in the universe, the more it will affect your own person negatively. No matter how crappy a situation is, try to think of something positive from it and focus on that (Yes, I know that is far easier said than done... been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, hoodie AND tanktop).

I feel way too old for this crap. 

There is nothing worse than having to start your entire life over at this age. Please don't get me wrong, I adore and am sooooo thankful for those who have been literally holding me up and keeping me alive; I am slowly getting out of the depths of the deepest depression I have ever been in. I think what is hurting me the most, is looking at the couple of totes I have of clothes and some personal items... literally all that is left in my life. Yes, I get that they are material things, but I have fought my entire life to earn and obtain the things I have. I just feel "robbed", if that is the right word. When does the fight end? When does happiness, like true, honest to goodness happiness finally come???

I am a survivor... of more things than I care to share at the moment, and I will come out of this stronger and more powerful than I have ever been... hell, if living on the streets as a young teenager didn't break me; neither will this. If going through abusive relationships (emotional, physical, mental, financial and sexual) didn't kill me; this won't neither. If being raped, molested and sexually assaulted by different "men" at various stages in my life, didn't put me 6-feet under, this should be a piece of cake to get through.

I have to admit though, this one is a tough one. I have turned away possibly some of the best things and people life had to offer because I simply felt I was not worth it; that I somehow deserve all the crap that has been thrown at me.. FUCK THAT!!!

Material things will come and go. Money will come and go, but you know what I still have?  My dignity. My soul. My life and most of all my heart... no matter how many times it gets damaged, my heart will always be full of love and I will never apologize for that. Sometimes, love is or was, the only thing I had to give and I did it with a full heart.

I vow to persevere even the hardest of times; not to prove anything to anyone, only to show to myself that all these scars are not hideous, they are beautiful... they prove I am a fighter and have won... this is no different. I will always take the high road and not toss people's names out there and frankly, what other people are told is kinda interesting to listen to because I always giggle when I learn about something new I have done in my life. As I keep preaching... WHAT YOU THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS. On top of that, I'd actually have to give a shit about you for your opinion to even resonate ANYTHING within me.

I just want to leave you with one last thing... Always remember, no matter what you are going through... "NEVER A VICTIM. FOREVER A FIGHTER!!!"

Stay blessed you beautiful souls. Much love.