What Does Empathy Get Ya???

I legitimately promised myself I was going to leave the trauma of the past few weeks in the review mirror and I am going to start fresh. 

I have desperately attempted to keep all my emotions at bay, alas, I cannot. So, all I ask, is you please bear with me through this blurb, as it might end up being a rollercoaster of mixed emotions...

To make a long story very simple, my life was literally blow to pieces these past months and instead of weeping, I have turned so intensely calm it is literally scaring the pants off my loved ones.

I am not one who keeps her mouth shut, nor am I one who has a filter (even on my best day)... I really should file a complaint and check out the warranty on why I never got the flippin filter everyone keeps talking about. (Sorry, I will always have witty comments... sarcasm is my first language).

The sad reality of my calmness is that I am soooooo used to what has happened to me, that I don't have it in me to even feel what is necessary anymore. I don't understand why the universe keeps giving me the same lesson and isn't blessing me for all the good I have done and how much I love and how everything is done with good intentions; but that isn't for me to know, right? 

I used to think that being with shitty people and staying with them even through the abuse, was something I deserved. The mentality of someone who is an abuse victim/survivor/warrior is one that is very difficult to understand. We have soooooo much love within us, but we are flawed and damaged like everyone else in the world; the difference is that we have been beaten down so much we firmly believe that there is no alternative. That if he/she may hit us or verbally or emotionally or even financially abuse us, but they always seem to make up for it and we continue to have those blinders on because we simply want to see the best in people.  We don't want to feel like the loser that had to start over in life... at whatever age it may be. We also stay because we feel no one else will love us and at least after the abuse, there is some calm; so our partner must love us right? We also think of the bond as a safety net... as bizarre as that sounds.

Well, I am here to say that even though I am here. I am standing on very shaky legs... not in the sense that I am or will ever go back to him, but with the new start; its freakin scary shit, dude! 

As scared as I may be, I do know one thing... I am NEVER going back nor am I taking that back. The only thing I am taking back is ME, as no one had the right to take any part of me.... my mind, body nor soul (all of which I have been robbed of for most of my life). Let's be clear, I don't hate him, as I am not about to waste any more energy on someone who clearly wouldn't give a crap about what I had to say and I have no desire to put any more negative energy out in the world... isn't there enough of that already?

The biggest reason I am writing this tonight, is I have always found writing to be very therapeutic. If my story, or courage can help even one person know that they are not alone and escape the nightmare they are living; than exposing my vulnerabilities is completely worth it.

I would like to end this on a positive note...

I am sooooooooo appreciative of those who were around and never stopped being around when "shit got real". You all are incredibly solid people and peeps I am PROUD to call my friends and family. You all have literally taken the time and effort of pulling me out of the very depths of hell and brought me back to a path where I can see the light again.... I am not saying I am 100% better, but I can truly say that I am at peace and in a much better headspace and a lot of that is thanks to you all and your unconditional love and protection of me.  Thank you.

Stay well. Stay warm/cool. Be well and Be loved. Blessed Be you wonderful humans