You're a Rockstar! You're a Warrior!!

 Morning everyone. This morning's entry is going to be a bit "off" compared to others I have recently shared. Yes, I continue to stand in my convictions and I will do what I am saying... move forward, step by step, even inch by inch if necessary; but today I just want to crawl into a deep dark hole and pretend I don't exist, at least until the physical pain stops, (maybe I don't want that because I would believe I am dead if I no longer felt pain).

Before I explain why this hurts so much, let me tell you what people say. People keep telling me I am a "warrior" and a "rockstar". I have heard these words from many people through various walks of life, but I have always struggled with any sort of praise.

Do I know that I am strong person? Most days I do. Most days I can sit in a daze, literally in awe of things I survived, but know most people would have died from. Do I feel it right now? Not a chance in hell. I am by no means a hero, rockstar nor warrior; if I was, I never would have such a weak mind, nor attempt suicide over the years.

Now let's get to why those words sting me particularly hard these days...

(I am going to be extremely blunt)

For weeks, at least this time, I have been attempting suicide on a regular basis. Is it something I am proud of? Fk no, but it is part of my mental health illnesses and it can happen from time to time.  Besides taking all the meds I had, I also injected myself with entire pens of insulin (hoping I'd fall into a coma). The last thing and probably the worst thing was I started cutting myself. I was laying in bed, slashing my arms as I stared at the "Warr;or" tattoo I have on my wrist. It hurt me soooooo bad to even look at it, feeling I am unworthy to have such a tat, that I started slashing at it too. I wanted nothing more than for that word to no longer be on me or even associated with me. I don't feel like a warrior... I feel like an utter failure.

I did everything in my power to slash the skin off on the tattoo, but that small little tattoo was very resilient and looks like it hasn't even been touched. I am taking that as a sign that things are and will get better. The cuts on my arms are healing well too; the bruises on my belly from all the injections are healing too. I just ask that people pause before they tell me things or praising me; I don't deserve it. I truly don't.

This act devastated me in a couple different reasons. 1. The person who did the tattoos is one of the best and of course he is in my "triangle". We have a long-standing friendship and for the longest time I wouldn't get ink from him because I always wanted our friendship to be just that.  I gave in, and he gave me 4 beautifully simple tattoos on my inner arms. Every scratch or cut I put into it I cried a little more each time. 2. its a mental health survivor tattoo, that literally says "Warrior" with an arrow below it. I am mentally a mess... how is this tattoo even representing who I am?

This probably is not making any sense, as my brain is pretty confuzzled as it is.

Basically all I am saying is that I am a fighter... that's the truth; but I am also very weak and vulnerable.  I don't know how long it will take to heal but there is one thing I am doing this time to simply protect myself. My heart is full guarded, eve has a moot around it... my heart and love are not an option.

The harsh reality of this one is that my (former) life partner, watched me do this all and literally did nothing. I was slashing my arms while we were in bed, he literally just watched (flashbacks anyone?   Oh, right, I am have flashbacks years ago and same thing happened.

I don't want to dig deep into my mental health right now because I can't deal with it with such a clouded mind. People just be wary of the advice you give someone, as you just don't know their mental state or how fragile they  can be.

I have to stop this sad entry because I need to do some writing (for the soul).

Stay blessed and loved all