I Feel Lost

 Hi y'all. Wow, is it really almost 2pm already? Today, well this entire weekend has been quite the shitshow. I am not going to get into specifics about certain aspects, as that has always been my policy. Anyways, I am just going to dive into it...

Actually before I dive into anything, I want to take a moment and give love and hugs to my sister and brother, as today is the 3rd anniversary of our father's passing. It's a long story, that one day I will share, but today is not the day. I feel bitter sadness about this day. I never got to know him and only discovered who he was after he passed from this earthly plane; but somehow I feel unbelievable sadness and rage because of what and who I was robbed of; if that makes sense to any of you.

Now onto what this weekend was all about...

To put it bluntly, I no longer wished to be on this earth and decided to take a ton of meds last night. It wasn't against anyone, just simply that I feel like I have lost everything in this world that matters. I finally stood up for myself when it came to being bullied and pushed around in my own house, but the consequences of standing up for myself were far too great. I am not writing this for pity, its just part of my story... clearly I was destined to live this life entirely alone. 

Yes, I have a tribe and they are amazing, but in all honesty, they do NOT understand what I am feeling and I am about ready to do just about anything to just take that pain away. People try to understand it, and I truly love them for trying but when this kind of hopelessness takes over, there isn't anything anyone can say that is going to change those feelings. Yes, it is a brutal rollercoaster for people who love someone with mental health issues, like I do. 

I just wish people would get that I can't just switch off the depression because its hard for them to cope with. Think about it for a second... do you think ANY of us who suffer from mental health choose to be this way? No we don't any more than someone chooses to have cancer... so maybe ease up on your judgments, and if that is too difficult for you to do; than its best for you to walk away from me; besides, I am used to dealing with things by myself... why do you think I don't turn to others for help any more?

To end this blurb, I need to write a deeply heartfelt apology to someone who I hold excessively close to my heart; you could even say that "I love him." (Fk me... I can't believe I am saying those words out loud). 

As you can guess, I turned to him in my worst possible moments last night and it did not go well. My mind was so clouded with my own pain and loneliness that I couldn't even process what my actions and words were doing to him... for that, I don't know how to forgive myself, let alone feel like he should or could forgive me. I am sooooo sorry, and I don't even think words will ever be enough.

To end this blurb, I can openly say that I still feel hopeless; but not suicidal. I can't promise that tomorrow will be a better today, but I can see a tomorrow... if you know what I mean.

To my tribe... I love you all beyond everything. You all know that I am damaged goods and can get very complicated. I know in my heart that you all have my back; but right now my head and heart are in a massive battle about it. I have done things always on my own because I truly never had someone to count on, no matter what; so this new reality of having an entire tribe who loves me and want me to be around, is scary as hell... and I don't do well with fear; but I AM trying!!!

To everyone reading this, please be kind to those around you... even if they are being complete dickheads because you truly don't know what they are going through. Maybe, they too, are not used to having people care about them and love them unconditionally.

Stay blessed my lovies