Walking Away From it All...

 

Hey y'all. Yah, Yah. I know, I should be tucked nicely in bed and dreaming about all the good things in life, but my brain has decided, now is the time to get some writing in... so guess who won that argument? Music blasting in my ears and fingers whipping over the keyboard... and here I am...

This kinda goes out for people who are in the same position as I am. I am not writing this as a "victim" nor for sympathy; I am writing so others may know that they are not alone during these stupid ass holidays. Everyone is celebrating for different reasons and that's their perogative, but that doesn't mean I am not going to lay my two cents out there. (Fuck with inflation it's now 5 cents fkrs!!!)

First, I want to thank all those who have been there for me through this past week; inviting me to dinners and including me in their family, when clearly they didn't have to. It is soooo deeply appreciated, I don't think I can find the proper words to express my gratitude to those who gave me a seat at the table. I don't want any of you to think I am not thankful as I express the next part of why I literally feel like I am drowning...

I haven't gone too far into my life story, nor my family and this isn't the time to do it neither; but let's just say when I say I am the black sheep in my family... that's the understatement of the year. At the beginning of last week, I spoke to my mother (adopted mother, as I will never refer to the woman who spit me out as a "mother"), she told me how my sister had gone over to their place and with my parents they drew names for xmas and each person was getting one gift. She proceeded to tell me that they were going to my sister's for dinner. I was dumbfounded, although you'd think after 34 years of this bullshit, I'd be used to it... she had the nerve to ask me what I'd be doing for Christmas. WTF??? 

At that point I couldn't respond and just hung up because anything I would have said in the moment would have been in absolute rage and bitterness. I had already endured another event that week which hurts to no end because I finally stuck up for myself and all I got was punished for it... and no matter what anyone says... I am DAMN proud of myself for standing up and doing exactly what I did. I just hate what it cost me to do it.

Let's fast forward through Christmas, itself, because no matter how much people try to make it "good", its fkn painful. I sat back and watched families interacting and truly adoring each other... I don't understand that because I didn't have it. Its hard to explain, if you haven't been in my position. I don't get sad out of jealousy. I think it is such a beautiful thing watching families truly be family. I get sad because I don't understand it, nor why I wasn't worth that kind of love. Am I making sense at all???

Today, I cannot recall why I had my dad on the phone, but I finally snapped. I thanked them for never including me; and for the fact that they never think of me and that I am no longer their daughter... they can continue their act and just consider me dead from now on. I hung up on him, after he apologized and I told him, yah, that's all I ever hear is fkn sorry, but its the same year after year.

This caused me to fall super deep, especially yesterday and today. I DID contemplate suicide, but instead of attempting anything, I chose to feel hopeless instead. I reached out to some people who didn't treat me like a victim; they pushed me to get off my ass and stand tall. Sure, some of the words were crass BUT it was something I NEEDED to hear; and you know what? Instead of hanging up, I continued the convo until I was in a better space, mentally. I am not saying that I am in the best of spirits, but I don't feel as hopeless or alone as I did earlier.

(Oh the irony that Ryan Upchurch's "Black Sheep", just started playing... LOL... how the universe loves to toss hints at us ALLLLLLL the time).

So to make a very long story short, I am going to do what I have wanted to do years ago and take back what should have been my birthright. I say this with a full heart and I am going to be completely straight... IDGAF what anyone's opinion is of this decision because it is mine and mine alone to make.

Let's just put it this way... I am walking away from everything that has been a disservice for me for the past several decades. I refuse to make shit times turn me bitter. There are no "what ifs", I cannot change the past. The only thing I can do is wallow in it, or grow from it. I am choosing the latter because frankly, its my life and I kinda want to see where it's leading me.

Everyone stay blessed. I don't know what this means for all the people who are currently in my life, I just know what I want and what its going to take to obtain that. So, I may be walking away from a lot of stuff and people, but I am not walking away without the knowledge life has given me. I will continue to love like I always have; there is far too much hatred already in this life and honestly, I am too fkn lazy to put the energy into hating people; even though they so rightly deserve it.

I want to end this blurb with this.... we got 4 days left in this year. I, for one, am looking forward to opening that new book with 366 blank pages in it. Just remember we all write our own stories... Where is yours leading you???

Stay safe, Stay warm/cool. Be well. Be Blessed. Hugs to all my lovies :)