Can't Think of a Title

 

Page 30 of 366... Good Day my sweet Lovies... This entry is going to be a bit confusing, but to those who know, they know what I am talking about. I am just going to dive in, because I really don't know any other way to bring this to the forefront... other than just leaping off with both feet... so here it goes...

For those of you who have been oblivious about what has been happening lately; here's the low down. At the beginning of the month, I overdosed, clearly with the intention of killing myself; although I don't have any memory of doing it... 

About a week later, I was disgustingly informed that my beloved aunt had passed away, AND I missed the funeral.  Not a single person informed me... even though she considered me one of her daughters. I am not sure how to quite process the lack of respect in this instance, so I am going to continue with what I need to talk about today. As my wise, best friend has told me... CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN... FUCK THE REST!!!

After learning about the funeral, I had to still deal with my Uncle's birthday, two days later, his death date, three days later, my spouse's death date... so needless to say I cannot wait for this month to come to an end.

Every day I am a little stronger and today, I had to use "anger therapy" to my advantage. I took a hammer to things in my house that were only causing me grief, and emotionally drowning me. I cannot begin to describe how liberating it was. Hell, I wish we had free smash rooms here in the Hammer, because they would become my weekly therapy.... like, HOLY SHIT BALLS!!! By smashing things, it was just giving me more feeling like my home is truly my home again.  Thanks girlie for being here with me... You have given me strength when I didn't think I could do it. 

After all that, I needed to sit down and write this, while I still have the guts to just lay it out there...

I had a convo with someone who is extremely important; no I am not going to reveal names, but they are feeling the same way I do. They are very protective of me, and I can say they mean the world to me. They have stood by me through everything, even things they never deserved to endure. They have been teaching me that I need to put myself first and stop helping others all the time. This is where I finally used the line... I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE; NOT A LIFE TO GIVE!!!

I think that as of late, some people seem to think that since I am kind and loving all the time, they forget that I also have a very dark side. I hate to say it, but she has been emerging and I didn't realize how much I missed her, until this past month. 

I just gotta say, people who are not respecting my boundaries, like for example, I was in no way, shape nor form to deal with anybody else's stuff this past week and certain people couldn't respect that. It really cheesed me off; and actually hurt. It may sound weird but there are literally only two people I would listen to and be their shoulder 24/7... no matter what I am dealing with. It's just a second nature to me. I hate that I sound so selfish right now; but how selfish are you that you couldn't respect me when I repeatedly told you, I cannot do this right now???!!!

Please do not get this twisted. I absolutely love my people, but I AM and continue to make my circle smaller every day. I may love you, but if you are in any way toxic to me, or those who I consider to be at my table/ in my tribe, I will cut you loose, without explanation. 

We are grown ass adults, you know what you did... we are all accountable for our own actions and I will not tolerate bullshit, disrespect or fucking lies... 

Let's just say that today has been enlightening for me and this person. We are super close and when we figured out what was really going on, we both have decided what we need to do to remove the bullshit and carry on with a peaceful mind. 

Also... My patience are running excessively out, and that is saying a lot about me, since I am a Sagittarius and I was literally not born with the virtue of patience. I, at first, felt this was just me feeling this way, but apparently not. It breaks my heart to feel this, but in order for me to continue to heal, this is a necessary move. I preach that I would rather be hurt by the truth than to be angry over a lie... I can forgive everything but disrespect. I also feel everyone needs to be held accountable for their actions, and having mental health issues is not excuse... so don't come at me with that, nor any other excuse... physical, mental, or even emotional ailments do NOT excuse shitty behaviour!!!

I suggest you take a long look in the mirror and see your own faults before you turn to another and throw their "faults" in their face. Maybe question your methods. Maybe question what you have done to cause that reaction. Maybe think of how your actions and accepting accountability for yourself... how that would help the situation.

Lastly, I will not reveal names, as per usual, but there is something that is 100% a no-no in my world... any type of abuse will not be tolerated nor accepted. As I am looking from the outside in, I can confidently say that your actions are full on abuse and I won't stand by your side while you are doing that. As you know, I am a DV warrior and I HATE that shit!!!

That's all I gotta say on this subject... take it how you want. I am done with the situation and the people involved because I am not going to drown when you won't even reach for a life jacket... 

Peace out!!!