Many of the "residents" expressed their gratitude for me cooking, even admitting that the simple gesture of offering them food, was enough to draw them out of the shell they were hiding in... needless to say, the cooking also helped me cope with what was going on in my life.
I think this morning, I am desperately holding onto those moments as it's going to be a stressful day... My anxiety is already through the roof, and it's not even 9am here. I had a fairly decent sleep last night, but I was riddled with nightmares. Maybe it is my PTSD kicking in, maybe it's because I am anticipating a lot of bullshit once again today. I honestly just want this chapter in my life closed, so that I can move forward in peace... I am really hoping that is what today will end up being.
Now, should I divulge a little about the weekend, that was very hard for me to process??? I think it is a great idea, this way I can express it without getting excessively angry and no one has to see the tears streaming down my face as I write about this. I will probably go through a series of emotions here, so you might want to buckle up for this ride...
I know this event happened on Saturday, but I am still having a hard time coping with it.
To make a long story short, I have an aunt who I was extremely close to; in fact, it had looked at one point, when I was only 6 or 7 months old, that they were going to adopt me when my adopted mother ended up bedridden for a few months. As you well know, it didn't end up happening and I ended up with the parents I have. But both my uncle and aunt were very keen on it and they remained in my life as the parents I never really had.
My uncle would always share this story with me, and I adored hearing it when he spoke of it. He was a long haul truckdriver and on the nights he came home, no matter what time it was, he would wake me up, plop me on the kitchen table and as he ate, he would allow me to pick food off his plate and essentially eat with him. Obviously I would have no memory of these moments, but the way he would describe it, I could just feel the wholesome love in his words.
May his soul forever rest now. My Uncle had passed away on January 26th, 2018... 2 days after his 80th birthday. I was very fortunate enough to be able to see him one last time, just before he passed. I was able to express how much I loved him. Unfortunately that was not the case for my aunt and I.
My aunt, who was an incredibly beautiful and tough soul, passed away on January 16, 2024, in her 80th year. Yes, I was offered to go see her in the hospital, but for one, I was definitely not in a good headspace as I knew I was about to lose the only woman I considered my "mum", and I really didn't want that to be the last memory embedded in my head. This is NOT what I am struggling with. I wanted my memories of her to be of the good, and not so good times, but I couldn't handle seeing her fade away the way she did. What my problem is, is something entirely different...
Knowing how much I adored my aunt, and the insanely close relationship we had... yes she would always comment on how much I looked like her side of the family and that regardless of being adopted, I definitely had their blood coursing through my veins. (We all know that isn't possible, but she made me feel like I REALLY was a part of the family)... I am getting off track.
What I am having a hard time grasping is that no one informed me that she had passed away. No one told me about the funeral, so I was blindsided when I spoke to my "parents", asking how she was doing, only to hear... "Her funeral was yesterday!!!" I couldn't process what they were saying and I told them I had to hang up as I couldn't control my rage and sadness in the moment. So as of right now, I know in my head that she is gone, and have said my "goodbyes" in my own personal way, but my heart is having a very difficult time with it.
I know she is at peace and reunited with my uncle; which does give me a sense of peace. I hope her soul may rest well and that she is in heaven, as those are her beliefs, and I will not say otherwise. I just want her to know that I feel terrible about missing the final send off, but I am very happy that she is no longer suffering in this world, and as we liked to say, "Catch ya on the flip side!!!"
I refuse to say "Goodbye", for me it is simply a "see you later!" kinda thing. So to my beloved Aunt DeeDee (Tante Dity), may you rest in peace and soar high, looking out for me, like the angel you were, even in life. Please give Uncle Keith a massive hug and tell him that I miss his teddybear hugs. I am glad you are finally reunited. Don't forget to find Aunt Tieny and give her all my love too. There are far too many people I could mention here that I would love for you to reunite with, so I will leave it at that.
RIP Alberdina Louwerse ~ Dity/DeeDee (1943 - 2024) Until we meet again :(
To all my lovies, stay safe. stay warm. be well and be loved... I only ask that you all hug your loved ones a little tighter tonight.
Blessed Be.
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