The Closing of Chapter One

 

Page 31 of 366... The End of the first chapter of 2024...

Where do I even begin with a recap of this month??? I can say that January has been very enlightening. I had a few very dark moments, but those dark times also showed me where the light truly was. January brought some new friends into my life, while it ushered out the toxic ones... well at least some of them. I am still working on weeding out the ones who don't deserve a seat at my table and whose going to be the ones cleaning up after me.

I will never say that the new year didn't come with it's challenges because it most certainly has. I really had to put up boundaries and remove even family from my life because they were just too much for me to deal with; needless to say, this has caused some people to really see the darker side of me.

This page is the last of the first chapter, and I gotta say, this day was not an easy one. I had to get very blunt with someone today, and flat out tell them to "Fuck Off!!!" because they were bringing nothing but drama and toxicity to my world. Clearly they didn't appreciate my honesty and bluntness because they came back at me with such horseshit that I couldn't even dignify it with an answer. I want them to stew in what they have done and said... I am hoping that my bluntness will force them to do what needs to be done to improve their life BUT I will not do it at my own personal expense. 

As I like to say... It's not my monkeys. It's not my circus. I only know the clowns!!!"

I will be truthful, it stung a little to be that harsh. Again, I had to do it for my own well-being, if that makes me selfish, than I am selfish... I don't care at this point. If there is anything 2023 taught me, it was this... If I am not taking care of myself, how can I take care of anyone else??? It's a tough lesson for someone like me, who is always the one helping others in any way I can. I guess this is where I am extremely grateful for my tribe, who have literally sat back and patiently, or impatiently waited for me to come to this realization myself.

I have also come to the realization that I don't need a shit ton of people to be friends with, as most of them are simply sheep in wolves' clothing; they are enemies disguised as friends. Frankly, I don't have the time for this trivial grade school bullshit.

January wasn't just about gaining some new people in my life, it was also about losing some too. I gotta say, those I lost really hurt me. I am not even sure I have been able to fully process the loss yet. I am trying, but that all comes with time and I am trying not to be so hard on myself.

My beloved is still very much a part of my life. He fills life with joy, intellectual conversations, laughter and hardships... but he also brings a kind of love that is hard to put into words.. I have been speaking to one of his family members and she is an absolute delight. It's beautiful to see how they are so bonded, even though sometimes it is very hard to watch as I don't understand why I was never "worth" that kind of love. I know, it is what it is and I shouldn't dwell on the things I cannot change.

Obviously life doesn't come without challenges...

I faltered at the beginning of the month, but I am on the rise and I shall not give up on myself. I did get a bit of decent news, and I will take the win. I don't require treatment, as of right now. If I can stay at the levels I am at, I will not require any type of treatment and can still live a fairly long life.

I want to take a moment and appreciate those who have been here for a long time and continue to be here. I honestly think I am the only person in the world who has brothers by the name of Zombie and Unholy One... LOL. Them along with my best friend have been the greatest gift in my life and I am soooooo happy to be their little big sister... I really respect that they allow me to fall and figure things out without stepping in; although they have zero qualms about voicing their opinion, especially when it comes to me doing something kinda "dumb".

I want to thank those people who are in my community who have helped me stay with the safety plan and get back to where I need to be. I don't think they understand how grateful I am for them. People who didn't have to lift a finger to help me, but took on the task because they are simply beautiful souls.

I want to end this blurb on a high...

I am very happy for the new people in my life too. They have no idea how much they have helped me, while I was there for them. It's funny where you can meet people, who can alter your life... in my case, for the better. Some of us were at our lowest and still managed to guide, comfort and be the shoulder to each other, that some have never had. It was a difficult time, but the most amazing thing about it was the non-judgmental people who surrounded us. I am forever indebted to the people who helped at one of the most difficult times of my life.

Please always remember, no one has permission to disrespect you... they only will do what you allow. And as Twisted Sister said it... "We're not Gonna Take It!!!" I hope you all have a great night, as we bring in the second chapter in this newish book.. Stay safe. Stay warm. Be well. Be loved.

Sleep well my Lovies. Blessed Be.