The Day I Dread

 

Good Morning Lovies. It's the day I dread the most, and I don't know how to feel, to be perfectly honest. If you've been following my blog, then you know that today is the 14th anniversary of my beloved teddybear. I like taking this day to myself and just reflect on the love we had, sometimes wondering how things would be, if he were still alive.

Wayne was larger than life. Many people who have seen him, but didn't know him were very ignorant because of his looks... he is one of the main reasons I have just started to look at people for their souls, not for any particular way they looked. 

As I have often stated, if I had to choose between a man who is clean shaven, in a suit... someone who most women would find absolutely sexy and appealing... and a man who tatted up and in leathers, which some people would view as "gross" or "violent" or "trouble"; I would choose the tatted man. Because more often than not, they would have a story to tell... one that I can relate to. No judgments and someone who simply is a great person all around, and often judged WRONG just because of their looks... Nah, I'm good with my decisions.

I know I am getting off track, mostly because I am trying to keep my mind busy and distracted from the grief that really comes to the foreground, specifically today. What can I share about Teddybear that I haven't shared before???

I often talk about his booming voice and his boisterous, louder than life, sinister laugh; but I don't talk about his vulnerabilities, so maybe that is something I can finally open up about; just know that I will never put down things that would intentionally hurt him, nor change people's views or love for him...

Wayne was the type of person, who rarely showed his emotions to others; worrying what people would think of him. I completely understand this because his family was super rotten to him. To this day, I still want to confront the ex-mother-in-law and sisters-in-law, but I honestly feel that even telling them or showing them how much they hurt him (Yes, I still have his journal from when he was hit by the drunk driver ~ something that completely altered his life); would just fall on deaf ears. 

When he died, I didn't even bother calling his mother, (and  I use that word loosely), the second I woke up and found him deceased beside me in bed. I called his best friend and had 911, on two phones at the same time. None of his family graced our front door the entire time we owned the house... you want to know when they finally came to the house??? After the funeral, which I might add, his mother served me with papers from her lawyer that she wanted everything of value in our home, including our rings... 

Let me tell you, I may have been in a very fragile state, but there was no way in hell I was going to allow her to destroy that which I had left once he was gone. I DID leave her the house, in hopes that she would give the money from the sale to his daughter... Yah, she didn't give her a penny; the fkn greedy bitch!!!

I kinda have to giggle at some things that I know would absolutely amuse him... For obvious reasons, I was very out of sorts for a few days, but I had young children to take care of along with trying to grieve the passing of someone who meant the world to me. Anyways, his mother planned the entire funeral, except for the music part, or photos because she did NOT have any pictures of him after the age of 20 or 21... He was 34 when he died!!!

I made sure that we had family photos put up on display for everyone to see, but the part that would make him laugh, (I can actually hear him laughing), was the music part. We had such a really wide range of music that we enjoyed, so it really DID go from one extreme to another. Of course, mine and his song, "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica was one of the key songs. Another one that he adored was "Dante's Prayer" by Loreena McKennitt. But the one that was the best, and all of us loved ones reminisced the most was this one...

The biggest thing that I will cherish about his send off was us, outside in the snow filled parking lot, with "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" by Drowning Pool on full blast and us literally dancing in the snow. It was very ironic to be playing that song on the speakers inside the funeral home... I am sure the other families who were grieving might not have appreciated the sentiment, but it was vital and very appropriate for Wayne.

Wow, this blurb did not end up being the way I thought it would go. I really wanted to celebrate him this year, rather than mourn him and be crying all day. I am grateful every day for the love he showed and gave me. We were just some damaged souls who happened to find each other at the perfect time of our lives. I firmly believe he was one of my soulmates, and cherished every moment we had... including the cherished moment we went out to Cambridge to Lucky Souls Tattoo Shop, where Barry inked us both, and we got to hang out with our friends there, before we made our final roadtrip, out to Alberta.

I'm not saying that stuff was always perfect, because they weren't. We often butted heads, with me being a Sagittarius and him being a Taurus... You can just imagine how that went... His famous words were, "You fuck with the bull, you're gonna get the horns!!!" and he meant it. I think one of the things he adored about me the most, was my ability to always return stronger than I was before any fall.

I really don't know how to end this one, because I'd love to just sit and just stay in the moment for the rest of the day, but I know he would want me to get off my ass and be productive; or at least not cry my eyes out for the next 24 hours. He hated when I was upset and he never wanted to see me sad... so I am trying my best to dust myself off and rise to my feet, even if it's the only thing I accomplish today.

Teddybear, I know that you continue to watch over me and I am truly blessed for such an amazing angel. I hate that it was you who had to teach me how to live by you dying. I hate that you are not here to see how how profoundly you have impacted those you love. I hate that you missed the birth of friends' kids, or that you never got to see the beautiful side of life. I hate how this ended...

Rest in Paradise Teddybear. You will continue to live through our memories of you... everytime I touch a poker chip, I always think of you and how much we both loved the game. And for those of you who know... I cannot stand those damn pickled eggs... LOL

Catch ya on the flipside Big Guy!!! GBNF MLLH&R