Be Like An Arrow!!!

 

Page 58 of 366. Good Morning Lovies. I hope this day treats you well. I am writing this one today without a title, because I really don't know what this blurb is going to be about... could just be verbal diarhea at this point!!! I am kinda braindead today... so let's see how this goes.

I think this picture is the perfect for this blurb...

I have been fairly level for the past few weeks, compared to the end of 2023 and January of 2024; but I felt myself slipping yesterday. I had some text messages come in, that I wasn't sure how to respond to. 

I have a very complicated history with these people and although I have forgiven them for the pressure and conditions they have placed on me; I still struggle every time I see their names. It's not longer out of rage or bitterness, I am more indifferent to them at this point; which seems really sad considering they were supposed to be the unconditional love everyone needs in their life. I guess, I feel sorry for them and to me, that has given me the strength to rise above them and the entire situation... that doesn't mean that some days still give me a really nasty sting.

I guess that life has been showing me that I should be blessed for what I had; especially since I have seen both sides of the spectrum lately... a parent losing their child and a child losing their parent. I know that I should feel guilty for my own views and opinions but I still am on the same stance. I can empathize with the people who have endured this suffering; I even try to understand it; but I just don't have anything to compare it to. Does that make sense?

I don't even know where I am going with this, all I know is that life served each of us our own battles and demons to cope with... this one used to bring me to my knees. I always questioned why I was not worth that unconditional part that most people have; but then I have come to the realization that I have no desire to be like the average person... Through my trials and tribulations, I have learned that sometimes, blood is the most toxic thing in the world... and I am perfectly okay with that.

My own relationships with my kids have also proven to me that no one is perfect. I have flaws and faults and I am accountable for them. I guess, you could say I am somewhat a product of my environment. NO, I am not using that as an excuse. It's simply explaining that through my own errors, I feel that I may have been too hard on my anger, and dismay with my own parents. This doesn't excuse the lack of many things and the pressure placed on me; but it does show that I do love them... in my own way. Will we ever have a great relationship??? Probably not. There is too much damage that can't be repaired, but I can love them from a distance, no???

I really hope this blurb made sense to someone because I am in a spiral right now and this is one of the biggest things on my mind right now. I can say one final thing... The way I was raised is one of the reasons I love so hard; that is one thing that will never change in me. I cheer for the underdog. I will feed that homeless person. I will comfort that person who is mourning things I cannot comprehend. I will give you the shirt off my back, if it means you will be warm and feel protected.

So I guess from all the bitterness I am tranforming it into something beautiful... call it a "flaw" in me BUT I think it is one of the most beautiful attributes that I have... and NOTHING anyone says will change that part of me. May you all have a peaceful Tuesday. Stay safe. Stay warm. Be well. Be loved... Blessed Be my beloved Lovies.

~Phoenix

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