Bonus Day of the Year!!!


 Hi Lovies. I know that I lost a day in writing my own words, so I am trying to make up for it here. I, myself, have been in a funk lately and the episode got really bad a couple nights ago and flowed into all day yesterday, even into the wee hours of this morning. (To think it all started because I misread something and it escalated from there).

Today is a new day, although it is already 12:22pm... I did not sleep worth shyt last night. I am an emotional wreck and mentally drained. I don't think many of you know how much I despise this date... and am SOOOOOOO grateful it only comes once every 4 years!!!

I have been off kilter ever since I decided to go to a family (not famILY) event this coming weekend, and I don't know how to cope with it. I don't know what I was thinking to agree to this, because I have such conflicted feelings about all of it. I initially said I was not going to go at all, then I felt maybe, just MAYBE, this visit will be different and I can come back from it with peace in my heart... I am trying to hold on to that mentality; but it is no small feat for me.

I thought I had a safe space to share this, but after I misread things and the way things escalated and ended... I don't think that is an option for me anymore. (Again, mostly my fault.)

I KNOW talking about suicide and having those tendencies trigger a lot of people who have dealt with it, one way or another. At the time, I had no clue that that was the case here... for that I am terribly sorry. I tried to leave the situation the best I could and it blew up in my face. 

My world is upside down. My body is falling apart and my heart is torn. I am sooooo tired of everything that I kinda wish for a dirt nap. Sadly, my soul refuses to have things end like that, so I am here another day... fighting another internal battle. Am I winning it??? I could not say... but I can say this... I AM still trying to fight the good fight and hope those who truly care about me, see that as a positive.

~Phoenix

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