No Promises

 

Page 60 of the Unknown/ of 366.

I am going to write this, not for sympathy... but for awareness.

I deeply appreciate those who have been sticking to my safety plan and truly ensuring I don't falter;but facts are this... I DO still tumble. I DO still get lows and suicidal tendencies. I fight them as much as I can, some days just get too hard and I DO wish to be gone from this earthly plane. I don't say this for and to people with intentions of hurting them... it happens in a moment if weakness... in a moment where I'm lost and feel like I'm drowning... like I cannot catch my breath... where I truly do not see any light at the end of the tunnel... or at all for that matter. No amount of medication, therapy or medical shyt is going to change that.

I am profusely sorry to those I hurt when I hit those lows. I understand most cannot nor should deal with it. THIS IS MY REALITY!!! I struggle every day to open my eyes, or sometimes even move. My mind cripples me.

I do ask for forgiveness. I just wish it could be understood that I know it hurts you;imagine what it's like to be me!!! Having mental illnesses is not a choice. I don't choose to want to die or be gone... it's a challenge I face every damn day. So far, even after 18 attempts, I am still here. I'm trying to fight the good fight... some days it's with ease, other days it's a white knuckle kind of day.

Sorry, I know it's a morbid subject. I simply want to apologize to those I've hurt. I cannot promise to never slip into the abyss... I can only try not to.

I know those of you who are my followers/friends on facebook, know I wrote this either last night or this morning... my mind is so scattered, I don't even know what time nor day it is; so please forgive me.

I KNOW I hurt people last night that I care about... BIG TIME! I am not asking for forgiveness and I acknowledge what I have done. To the depths that it went? No. I had no idea about why it was such a trigger for certain people. I cannot change what I have said, and one day I hope we will all be able to talk about this; maybe even recover... for now, I will sit in my own space and do what I do best.

I am not making excuses for my behaviour as I am a huge advocate of being accountable for being a shitty person, or do shitty things. Yes, I have several mental health issues; and it has been triggered over and over the past few weeks, and frankly I don't have anywhere to turn... again, I accept this because I AM gulity of always pushing people away when the going gets tough for me.

At the end of the day, I just want to live in peace. I don't want to argue... that's not saying I will agree with everything someone says, or vice versa. I will never be the one who is telling people to conform to my way of thinking because that would be extremely hypocritical. What makes us different, including our flaws and talents, is what defines us as individuals. I don't want a "yes man" in my house. If I am screwing up, like I did last night, I fully expect him or her to stand tall in their own convictions. I simply want it known that I never intentionally hurt anyone. I have sent my apologies and am putting them out here on public forum to show that I AM sorry... who knows, maybe one day...

Until then...

~a very broken hearted Phoenix

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