Random Thoughts

Page 55 of 366. Hey everyone, sorry I am kinda late with my entry today... Honestly, wasn't even sure I was going to write one (It's been that kinda day)!!! But here I am, fingers flying across keyboard, attempting to keep up with my random thoughts today...

The topic I want to bring up is PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder)... I know that it is a touchy subject, so once again, I am only writing from my own experiences and feelings.

I want to express very clearly, I am not hopeless nor suicidal as I write this; I am simply trying to educate people on something they may not be aware of.  Make sense?? I have PTSD from a variety of events that have happened in my life, so I can share some of those with you... hopefully without triggering me...

One of the easiest things to explain is that when I go into a restaurant or bar, I need to be able to sit in the corner with my back against the wall AND be able to know where all exits are; preferrably in sight. I have a VERY difficult time with people standing behind me or even remotely close to me; especially strangers. I need to completely trust you if you are going to be in that position. 

What people do not understand is the reaction I have, or me being triggered is not them, per say... it is from previous events where I was either harmed or put in a dangerous position.

I get triggered very easily if someone were to grab my wrists or my hands. I don't think I really need to explain why this triggers me, but it is one of the biggest things for me. Again, it is all about trust and why that person is touching my hands in the first place... JUst ask the nurse that I punched out at the hospital because she didn't heed my warning of what can happen when this is done.

I cannot be on public transit. I hate being out in public... but the transit thing is this... there is a vehicle full of strangers and I am not the one driving. I can't stop the vehicle at any moment, nor jump out of a window when I can't handle the sounds, the smells, the sights... Yes, I am hypersensitive to things so I trigger fairly easily.

I cannot be in locked spaces. I mean, when I am home, even if I am completely alone, I generally stay in my bedroom with the curtains drawn and my bedroom door closed. If you were to walk through my house, you will notice that I keep all the doors closed... every bedroom, bathroom and closet. That is going back all the way to childhood for me.

Another huge thing for me is needles... I am PETRIFIED of needles. Now most of you don't know a lot of my history, and those who do, know this one very well. Being terrified of needles goes along with me not being able to handle being in locked spaces... 

I have one memory that is so embedded in my head that the mere mention of needles sends me over the edge. You wanna know why??? When I was much younger, mid-teens I would say... I was a street kid at the time, and I was kinda couch surfing, when I ended up in a bad place. The place was a basement apartment, and you needed a key to unlock even from the inside of the place. It was a very long night and the people were very unsavory... here is where the fear of needles comes in... I was stuck inside with a few people who were spaced out (for lack of a better word), some even with the needle still in their arm. (This is another reason you will NEVER catch me touching drugs)!!!

You cannot touch my face... again, unless I trust you and I can see your hand coming. This is self-explanatory.

The one last thing I wanted to touch on is this... Some people do not know that even a simple word can trigger an episode; without you even trying to do anything. Your words could be those of complete kindness and good intentions but those very words could have meant something very different at another time. I cannot stand how this hurts the ones I love, and I always try to explain that it is not them, it is the wording or the environment that triggered me; not the person.

I have expressed that I have been raped and sexually assaulted, and there is one sentence that sets me off. I will break down, crawl into a little ball and attempt to make myself invisible. To an average person, this would be comforting and kind words to say, but to say it to me is detrimental to my safety and security. You want to know what that sentence is???

"I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD!!!"

Those words will haunt me until the day my soul leaves this plane. So can you see that even if you have good intentions, those words mean something so very different to me. I will admit that I am getting better with the triggers and episodes, but sometimes those lil buggers pop up at the most random moment; and even though I know I went from victim to survivor to warrior; in that moment I cannot help how I feel nor react.

I hope this blurb gives you a little bit of insight at how frustrating it can be for the person who is dealing with the brunt of the episode; but imagine how frightening PTSD is for the individual who is coping with it?!!

Just try to be a little bit kinder to people around you, because you truly don't know what they have been through or endured to be the warrior they are today... me included.

Stay safe. Stay warm. Be well. Be blessed. Much love and respect to all my Lovies.