RAW ~ Unfiltered Thoughts

 

Hi Lovies. This entry might catch people off guard as I am going to write something that is pretty raw and unfiltered about my life. Some of you know what I am talking about and to others, this will be fresh news. I honestly don't know where to begin because it truly IS how I feel. People always say I am strong; that I am a warrior; that I am the strongest woman they know... to me, that feels like fraud.

So let's begin...

I have severe abandonment issues, but am also a runner. Yes, they seem to contradict each other, but just chillax as I explain what this means to me. When I was 5 months old, the woman who spit me out (Bio-mother), decided to go on a drinking and whatever binge, leaving me and my 2 1/2 year old brother alone in the apartment. Three days later, the police found us and we were taken away to the CAS (CPS for you Americans). I was immediately taken to the hospital because I had pneumonia in both my lungs and was pretty much at death's door (a door I am quite familiar with now). The only reason I survived at all is because my brother fed me sugar water.

After a hospital stay, I ended up with a foster family, while my brother went to another home. It would be 4 years before my adoption came through and the foster family I first went to, officially became my parents and family. They also ended up taking my brother in as well; which was obviously a challenge because we both have FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome), and my brother had ADHD as well as being somewhat on the spectrum. I look back at pictures and it seems like we had happy times, and there definitely was never a want for anything... things financially were fantastic. Beautiful home, huge yard, dogs and any material thing we liked... you know what was missing??? THE LOVE!!! 

People couldn't be bothered to be on the outside looking in, they, for the most part, believed the facade. I guess, in one way, I was thankful that some people saw right through the bullshit and knew what was really going on. My parents were all about religion and they made our lives literally revolve around their church and their beliefs; Lord knows the trouble we got into for asking any questions. But before I go there, I need to finish the first part...

My parents NEVER used the phrase, "I love you!" They blamed it on their strict upbringing; which for years I thought that could possibly be true, but then I began noticing that my aunts and uncles were extremely affection with their children, using the "love" word on the regular basis... Since they were all siblings, it now just feels like it was a cop out. I heard the exact opposite from my parents, particularly my mother. She had told me repeatedly that she wished she "never laid eyes on me", or that she wishes she "never adopted me". BAM. THERE IT IS!!!

So now, I wasn't just abandoned from one mother; I now was rejected by a second. (I am not going to get into all the details of how cruel she really ended up being, but let's just say she really proved to me that I wasn't worth loving).

Today, I am a woman living her 49th year and I have accepted what is, but that doesn't mean the trauma is gone. I have a very hard time accepting when someone says they love me; yet, I use the word whole heartedly and ONLY use it when I truly mean it. The way I have dealt with the trauma is that I will get into a relationship and just be very nonchalant about things. I have zero problem with my partner going out, with whomever he wants, because I choose to believe that at the end of the night he will come home... that I AM his home. 

I don't like controlling people, but I DO hold them accountable for their actions; just as I'd expect them to be with me. This comes from the trauma of being in such a strict household where I went to a school that was only dedicated to their specific religion, and was only to socialize with people from within the church. The control was insane... and considering that they endured WWII, literally living through the war in the Netherlands, I always compared it to being in a Nazi camp. I cannot nor will I ever FORCE anyone to do or say anything... yes, this is also part of my PTSD.

Now, I am going to get to the part of being a "runner"...

I was thrown onto the streets at a very tender age. It was survival of the fittest out there. (Again, I won't get into details about it, other than my stance was, "I'd rather live in a shoebox and be me, than to conform to anyone's ways"). Yes, that was my mentality already in my early teens. Sure, I could have conformed and followed their rules and religion and would literally have anything I wanted and needed, even now... I just don't have it in me.  This is where the running part is...

I run from everything and everyone. I have done it for the past 33+ years. I AM getting better at it, even with people commenting that I have stayed in the same place for 13 years, and that's a first for me; this IS a fact!!! Not that I have not "ran" from other things and people.

Here is a prime example... I got a letter from the cancer clinic and instead of dealing with it right away, I took to the road and left the province, moving 17 hours away. Thankfully, I DO have some people in my life who truly love me and want what's best for me; and they "encouraged" me to come home and face it, which I did. The beautiful thing about that is no one forced me to do it; they reasoned with me and helped me decide with a clear head what needs to be done.

I AM unlearning the fight or flight response (which is also known as the acute stress response, a physiological reaction that happens when something mentally or physically terrifies you. This response is triggered by the release of hormones that prepare your body to either stay and deal with a threat or to run away to safety)... again, I don't need to go into excessive detail of what it means or how it truly is a body's response to most things, especially for those of us who have PTSD.

Oddly, I get that same feeling when someone tells me they "love me" or "proud of me" or "you're strong"... I have a difficult time accepting praise or compliments. Needless to say, I AM learning that it's okay to hear the words, "I love you" without thinking the person saying it only wants something in return. I can say I 100% believe it from certain people. The "proud" and "strong" is taking a lot longer to process because I have faltered so much in my life, and feel if I were strong I'd have handled things as a strong person would... so why and how do I accept that someone is proud of me, when I don't even feel it myself??? Does that make sense?

To end this, I am just going to say... I know I am not the only one with a troubled upbringing or suffered from insurmountable pain or abuse. I just hope that by sharing a little about myself that it will encourage others to share. Yes, it's scary as hell to face things or reveal weaknesses and feel vulnerable; but you'd be surprised who will rise to the occasion and be your best support. The biggest thing I want you to know is this is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

With that, I bid you adieu and be blessed my Lovies.