Chapter Three Begins!!!

Page 61 of 366. I don't have a particular subject that I wanted to talk about today. I DID want to acknowledge what today is... It is the anniversary of the Salem Witch Trials and I want to take a moment and offer all my love and positive vibes to their descendants. 

It was this day... March 1st, 1692 that many people were crucified/murdered, for absolutely NO reason... I hold that place sacred, but will never grace that ground with my feet. Not just because of the pain and sadness that is within the soils there, but also the hypocrisy of people around there, trying to make a quick buck over such falsehoods. (That could just be me personally but I will never go to Salem and have zero desire to be there!!!)

Today is also considered, in Ancient Roman civilization, a festive day where they celebrated Juno Lucina, the goddess of childbirth. motherhood and women in general. The festival is called "Matronalia". So in essence it sounds a lot like the Western's version of "Mother's Day"!!!

I kinda want to get into why I have been the way I am these past couple days... I am drowning in my frustration and anxiety. I am going to try and make peace with things that have haunted me for decades... I am not sure how this will happen, but I KNOW I have a few people behind me who are my supports.

I am hoping that light at the end of this very long tunnel will come to fruition. EVen if there are no words exchanged again, no one can say I didn't make a valiant effort to be part of a group that I never fit in with.

The hardest thing is the one person I really want to turn to about this, well, there has been a huge falling out, and I am not sure they will ever truly speak to me again, not that I blame them. I despise how it went down and I really hate myself for all of it. (NO, I am not suicidal, just sad!!!)

I am trying not to dwell on what isn't and just accept what is... I am very grateful for my best friend, who knowing what I am talking about and about to do... still gives me the encouragement, even after how many attempts of this failing??? You never falter and I am grateful for the pillar you are. I know my brothers and sisters are kind of the opposite with this one... feeling I should let go of this and just slam the door closed; and NOT leave a window open anywhere. 

Maybe I am just a glutton for punishment. Maybe I am making another attempt in hopes that possibly I will finally be seen for me ~ who and what I am. I don't understand why that has been an impossible task my entire life. I never got why I wasn't good enough.

I fought my ass off to get where I am today. I am not a millionaire. I don't live in a mansion, but I DO have my own place. I have no one supporting me, financially nor physically... I have my famILY that gives me the emotional and mental support; but when it gets down to the nitty gritty... it was ME. I was the one who accomplished the things I have. 

I guess the only sad thing right now, is I had met someone incredible and adore him and his mother... but in an instant, I lost it all. I have no one to blame but myself. I am not going to sit here and bash anyone because that isn't who I am. JUst know you are missed... both of you!!!

Stay safe. Stay warm. Be well. Be loved.

~Phoenix

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

FFS I Matter Too!!!

Image
Good evening lovies. I have been struggling with something that is very close to my heart. I truly do not know where to proceed next. I'm going to try and make a very long story as simple as I can... I was adopted at 5months of age, (well apprehended at 5 months, adopted at 5 years). There is something that adoptees yearn for all their lives... WHY?  I know for me there were many questions and on my 19th birthday it appeared I was going to get those answers when I met the woman who birthed me. Unfortunately, I was sorely mistaken!!! Years went by, and I allowed this woman to have control over certain things that were weighing heavily on my heart, She held the one piece of the puzzle that felt missing from my heart... who my biological father was?!! I, one day decided that I wasn't going to allow another person have that kind of control over me... EVER!!! I left the situation alone. I struggled deeply. I was literally at war with myself. on this topic. In a way, I felt guilty th...
Read more

It's a Hide Under the Covers Kinda Day

Image
Page 14 of 365. Good Afternoon Lovies. I really, really hope your day is going better than mine!!! Sorry, woke up at the asscrack of dawn, as I had a doctor's appointment this morning.  Thankfully it was with my family doctor; appointments with him are fairly painless.  Today, however; things kinda went sideways.  I am usually in and out within 10 mins for these appts, but today? I was there for over 45 minutes. Of course, it didn't help that I was puking maroon blood in the office. I know, I don't share a lot of my medical nor really personal stuff on here, but just so you're aware, this has been happening daily since end of May/beginning of June last year. I am what they call an "anemic blood clotter" which I didn't think was possible, but apparently it runs on the paternal side of my family. Anyways, that was the main focus of my visit after that. My stomach medication is being switched AGAIN, this time I am being set up with an antibiotic (which is cra...
Read more

Tis the Season.... Why I Am Proud of Local Tattoo Shop!!!

Image
  Page 307 of 366. Good Afternoon Lovies. I am not sure how long this blurb is going to be; as it seems to be a topic I have been beating to death this past year. I know it is the time of the year where we switch from Halloween/Samhain into Thanksgiving (in the US) to Yule/Christmas season.  I hate pointing out this fact, but people seem to feel like Christmas time is the only time of the year that they should be charitable...  Is it out of guilt that you are donating, or is it because you genuinely feel you should be helping people??? I AM sort of calling you out because this is NOT the only time of the year that the homeless, or the downtrodden need help. I cannot stand that this is around the only time you will see non-stop commercials/ads or billboards that are asking for help with various charities; also the time we see commercials about driving under the influence. WHY IS THAT??? Driving under the influence is a year-long problem... I will not get into details about...
Read more