It's Just Past Noon... Is it Bedtime Yet?

 

Page 119 of 366. Good Day Lovies. I am just lost in my thoughts today. I honestly don't know how to feel anymore. Literally don't know what my feelings are. I think I am just going to go back to bed, throw on some sort of series or movie to watch and hope this hopeless feeling dissipates soon. I don't know how much more my mind can take...

The past year has had a lot of ups and downs for me; and I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of worm hole right now. I feel absolutely useless when it comes to someone I love with all my heart. 

I am stuck at the sidelines and cannot physically be there to help them... and it is soooo frustrating and painful to me. Maybe because I am a healer and I am not able to do anything. Maybe its the distance that is bothering me... or maybe it's the unknown that is terrifying me. (And I don't get scared very often).

I know I don't tend to share every aspect of my life on social media, or even in general. I allow people to know what I allow them to know... if that makes sense. I really don't get scared that often (other than super high winds); but I DO get very fearful when someone I love is in trouble; whether is it physical, mental or emotional. I guess to some this is a regular thing for them too, but I can only talk about it from my own perspective...

When you lose a husband, the way I did... things like what I am dealing with now, seem to feel like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know those words are not coming out right. I think when one that you truly love is not well, and struggling; it hurts that I am not being the person I could be. Is that making sense??? 

I feel fkn useless sitting here writing in my blog, while they suffer. I guess you could say I am not a very patient person, and I get very angry within, when I am literally forced to watch from a distance. (Maybe that is a Sagi thing, either way, it is me 100%).

Don't think for a moment that I am giving up... that is NOT an option. I am simply venting to strangers because sometimes that is easier than burdening my loved ones with my woes, which is not something I want to be doing. All I can do right now is send all the light and love, along with positive vibes and beg for things to improve. I see the light on the other side of the tunnel (something I haven't been able to say in quite a few years, maybe even decades); this cannot, and will not, be ripped from me... from us!!! We've fought way too damn hard for things to go sideways now.

I guess I am just kinda babbling at this point because a lot of people will be very confused as to why everything seems so heavy with me right now. I wouldn't change a thing... as in, I am not going anywhere. You're stuck with me and I am pretty sure you wouldn't have it any other way. So rest well as I wait to hear your voice again.

Stay safe. Stay warm/cool. Be well. Be blessed. Most of all, be LOVED!!! Until we meet again...

~Phoenix

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