Time Eludes Me

Page 103 of 366. Hi everyone. I know it has been a few days since I have written in my blog... a few blank pages, filled with pain and sorrow. I don't even know how to put down in words what I am feeling, at the moment...

I may seem like a very strong person, but that is just my shell. Inside, I am nothing but broken and filled with emptiness. I know, I have said, when I love... I LOVE HARD!!! That is the truth; but I also tend to get very afraid when things are going right. I self-sabotage things that are good for me because I feel I don't deserve them.

I know to someone on the outside, this sounds utterly ridiculous, but I feel they are valid... to me. And I don't think they should be dismissed because people don't understand.

Please don't get it twisted... I DO feel my feelings are valid; I don't think the way I reacted was the right thing to do. I am not going to mention names, but we were taking things slow; building on a friendship that came literally in the oddest place you could think of. I appreciated the build up because it was giving us time to get to know each other. 

As you know, I have written another blog about how I think "falling" in love, is the dumbest thing ever because if you FALL, you eventually have to get up. I didn't want to fall into that pattern. I wanted this to be my final relationship; my last partner. We have a lot of things in common, but we also have some very different experiences, so it felt good to know this wasn't going to be a mundane relationship... We have been teaching each other things that (I know for me), we'd probably not have learned otherwise.

Well, let's just say the self doubts and past traumas really crept up on me and I shut down. I pushed him away. First, I misconstrued what he was saying; and I know this is not an excuse but when you've been in an abusive relationship; the things being talked about felt very different to me, than what they actually were. That is not dismissing things he has endured in his life neither.

(Again, I am being very clear, this is not on him... I took things completely the wrong way).

After all was said and done... I told him that I think we shouldn't do this and ended things... THAT is the LAST thing I wanted to do; but in the moment it felt that he would be better off without a fuck up like me. (Those were my words, even though he said he loved me).

I know he loves me completely. I know there isn't another woman... never doubted that for a second. I feel he loves as hard as I do, maybe even more. I am not used to that. It's my self-doubt that did this; and as I told my brother, I don't know if I can fix this. Do I want to fix it??? One million percent, and then some!!! I don't know how to take away the pain I did to him... I did that :(

~Phoenix

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