A New Dawn of a New Day!!!

Page 129 of 366. Good Evening you beautiful souls!!! I hope you all had a great day. The sun was shining, and although the wind was fairly strong; it was a decent day. I was able to sit outside and enjoy the weather. 

I am grateful my friend came by to see me, and we were able to catch up... hoping to grab lunch on the weekend, as emotionally the next few days are going to mess with my mind and heart a lot.

I know my beloved has been helping, or trying the best way he knows how, to encourage me and lift me from the depths of my despair; but it IS hard for someone to understand the indescribable pain I feel... a pain, I wish on no one. I don't know how to explain how I feel and I tend to shut down because I am in so much pain and don't want to argue. I don't expect people to understand me, or my emotions in the moment; not as an insult, but I don't feel people truly grasp it, if they haven't been in the same position as me. It is not meant to be an insult to my loved ones, especially my partner. (I hope it time, this will not be such a difficult thing between us)...

Many see it as me dwelling in the negative, where I see it as this is the only way I know how to live these days!!! I don't know better... Those are the simple facts!!!

Okay, for example, today is my sister's birthday; which isn't such a hard thing for me. I shoot her a message and send my well wishes and love to her. That part is okay. Tomorrow is the birthday of my deceased husband, (this is the 15th birthday without him). It is one of the two days in the year that I take to dedicate to his memory. It is a difficult day, but I try to keep myself in more of a positive vibe as the years have gone by. 

My heart is filled with love and I know that I am loved. I have someone who loves me and is very much a part of my present and my future. I guess you can say, it is more of a day to honour someone who has passed one, but a person who also helped shape the woman I am today ~ both in life, and in death. 

I will get a reprieve for a day before hell begins all over again...

On Saturday, it is a day that has been dedicated to "Biological Mothers"... and this is probably one of the most despised holidays of the year for me. As all of you know, I am adopted.and I have ZERO use for the woman who spat me out... even more so over recent events!!! I guess I can, or rather, should be grateful that she gave me life and I ended up in the family I did; but even that isn't the best of things for me. I feel no need to celebrate this woman in the slightest because frankly, spitting a child out of you cooch doesn't give you the title of mother!!!

Then, on Sunday, we have Mother's Day... which is a double whammy for me. I don't particularly get along with my adopted mother. I guess I can't say that I really hate her, but I cannot say I am super fond of her. I will say that I respect her for giving me the life I was given... the privilege of a very heightened education... the morals and respect that were instilled in me... the inner strength I have... Although, the question of nurture versus nature is a big one in my mind!!!

The second part of Mother's Day that torments me is the recent tormoil that shatters me between one of me and my children, that has taken away some of the greatest joys in my life; but is also a necessity for me to have a peaceful life. I know I can love from a distance and not have the toxicity in my life. I am blessed to have a good relationship with my son, daughter-in-law and my grandbaby; but the challenge is they live three time zones away. I am sure we will make the best of it, as we usually do. 

I am also sure my beloved and I will make the best of what we can, as we continue to build what we have... and maybe celebrate a little as the day after Mother's Day is the first anniversary of our world's colliding (May 13th, 2023)... What a beautiful collision it was!!

I am babbling now. I am exhausted. My emotions are getting the best of me, and I honestly don't know where I stand with anything nor anyone any more. I hope you all have a restful night and a blessed day tomorrow.

Stay safe. Be well and Be Blessed. Much love and respect my Lovies.

~Phoenix