Wednesday's Wonderings....

 

Good afternoon Lovies. I have just been spending the day with my sister. Things have been kinda wonky with my health past couple days, and truthfully, I really don't think I should be alone at times like these. 

I have a funny feeling I am in it for the long haul with the daily injections of blood thinners rather than switching up to oral meds... which really sucks donkey balls in my opinion; but I gotta do what I gotta to survive, right?!!

These past few weeks have really put some things into perspective for me, while throwing other things into complete upheaval. I don't lead a luxurious life by any means, but I have led an interesting one; meeting people from both sides of the tracks... people in very high and very low places; all of whom I have respect for... everyone having a story of their own.... NONE of which is my story to tell!!! 

I DO have to say, I am eternally grateful for the path, albeit excessively difficult, because I don't think had I stayed on the straight and narrow would I have been able to see the world the way I see it. I truly feel I probably would have ended up more as a sheep than a wolf; although who knows because I have this insatiable hunger within me that doesn't match too many people. 

I have never been a conformist, even at the tender age of 14, I knew that I would rather live in a cardboard box than be something/someone that was another's perception of me. It just is not in my DNA to be that way. I know it has disappointed a lot, but it has equally impressed just as many. 

Truthfully, at the end of the day, I don't care who felt what about it, as long as I could live with my own choices and accept my own actions and words. As long as I held myself accountable for what I have done or said; than it is what it is. Make sense??? I have never been a saint, nor will I ever claim to be. I, like most people, have had to make choices on the fly... sometimes they were the right ones and sometimes they took me down a harder road than necessary; but that is not on anyone else... that is all on me. MY choice. MY consequences!!!

People live with regrets and I guess that is not something I can actually say about my life. Now, before any of you try to question that; remember this... If I had not been through the things I have been through, I would not be the person I am today. Why would I want to be someone else??? 

Every scar, every broken bone, every mark, every tattoo holds a memory... holds a reminder of what life threw at me, broke me for a time; but I rose again and again, stronger than before. I don't and cannot live with the words "what if" because those are impossible to know and we all know we cannot change what has already happened. We can correct our behaviour (life lesson), or instill what we already feel and believe; standing even taller in the convictions we already stood by; but NOTHING can alter what has already occurred... so why dwell on the impossible???

This is kinda my thought process about people who come into our lives too. People come when it is their time to be there for a specific reason... a reason, season, or lifetime... they are a lesson or blessin'!!! It kind of goes the same with relationships and personal growth. I firmly believe this... for example...

Say someone random falls into your life, out of the blue; at a moment you had given up on love and self-worth. They are like no one you have met before, in more ways than you can count; somehow things blossom and shyt gets real. You sit back kind of in a daze because you think where has this person been my whole life, but in the same breath you realize had they come into your life 20+ years ago, you never would have appreciated what they were bringing to your life and vice versa. Life's funny like that!!!

So as I said before... I don't regret my triumphs nor my failures because they brought me exactly to where I am right now... and even if my health is in question, I wouldn't change a thing. My heart is full and I am beyond content with the present, and actually intrigued and excited for what the future holds.

Stay safe. Stay cool. Be well. Be blessed. Most of all, be LOVED!!!

~Phoenix