When Death Becomes Me....

 

Hi all. I am sure the title may seem a bit deceiving to those reading this post but it is something very real for me. I don't think there has been a day in the past year or so that I have not heard of a friend or family member who has lost someone to the summerlands (afterlife, heaven/hell/valhalla... whatever you may call it...). I guess this is one of those things that happens when we age, but it has been haunting my life since I was fairly young. 

Some will say it may be the lifestyle I have lived, others say it is circumstances and personal choices while others say it's the will of God. 

Do any of you have an actual answer??? Or are you just talking out of your ass because you don't know how to truly react to such news??? I guess I am weird that way... If I don't know what to say, that is exactly what I would say... that I am at a loss for words and offer my condolences to the family and loved ones.

I guess "death" has just been hitting a lot closer to home lately than I'd like to admit; and my brush with it recently, is making it a much more prominent topic of conversation with those closest to me, and you'd be surprised who those people are. I am NOT afraid to die, never have been. Now, I can only speak on my own life and what has personally affected me; to say otherwise would be hypocritical and possibly inaccurate for others... so here is my views on this morbid, yet necessary convo...

As I have mentioned before, I have had a DNR in place for many years now. My health has been in the crapper for many, many years and my body is tired. I am of sound mind (although those who know me, may beg to differ... insert middle finger here!!!), but my insides are feeling centuries old and ready to retire. I signed and instilled the DNR because I didn't want to be on machines after another failed medical procedure and have to leave that decision to fall onto my children or spouse's shoulders. 

It's a horrible position to be in, and I truly don't wish it on my worst of enemies. I cannot reiterate enough how important this discussion is to have with your loved ones, even if you are young because accidents happen at any age, death doesn't discriminate on age, race or gender... you're wishes need to be known, understood and respected. 

Trust me when I say you will face fierce anger, resentment and opposition when you make your decision because no one wants to think of the world without you; but they are not thinking of the outcome for you, yourself, as a person who is possibly alive only through machines. Let's be realistic, no one wants to be in a vegetative state for the rest of their lives.... me included. 

I know I am rambling, but I am very passionate about this topic!!!

After much thought, I decided to amend my DNR during my last bout in the hospital. I still say to pull the plug if I am to only survive by machine; but I am willing to allow medical professionals to do everything they can to revive me; but if their efforts fail, they only may keep me on machines until my son is able to get here. 

To those who I know who have recently lost loved ones, I offer my deepest condolences. I am sending my love and strength, hoping it gives you at least a little bit of comfort on your darkest days... Just know, I am great at sitting in the dark; and I am even better at translating silence... it's my second language, next to sarcasm!!! I am not going to post names in memoriam because I respect everyone's privacy. With that, I need to end this blurb...

Stay safe. Stay cool. Be well. Be loved. Most of all, Be blessed my Lovies.

~Phoenix