I Am Not Ashamed to Admit...

 

Good Afternoon Lovies. I don't know what it is about today, but I have this need to write about things on my mind. I have been craving to write for weeks; but somethings can't be helped and I have been unable to write as much as I have wanted. I can't promise I am going to get all my thoughts out today, but this is a start...

There was an event that happened this week that kinda brought this to the foreground for me. It isn't anything bad, it just opened my eyes to somethings that I guess I have sort of turned a blind eye to for a long time. 

Again, this will have to start with a "those who know me... know me", kinda deal...

I am guessing those who follow my blog have figured out that I am a weird chick according to society's standards; something I am perfectly okay with. My beloved friend, Violet used to always remind me, "Being weird is a side effect of being awesome!!!" She was/is a very wise old soul; her weary, sick, beaten body is no longer suffering on this plane; but trust when I say I still hear her laugh and her wise words when she knows I need to hear them the most.

I have never been one to conform to anyone's ways or perception they felt I should be. I was never a prison of my own mind, or of what people felt was the way the world should be... and I am never going to change that about me. I will admit I have softened my view on things, and I am always open to learning and hearing others perspective. I am far from a know-it-all; and if I am wrong, I have zero qualms about admitting it.

Someone who I love with every beat of my heart, has been teaching me new ways of viewing the world; not only that, he has been guiding me and showing me things I never knew about, and if I did... I had very little knowledge of it.

All my life, I have been a very "black and white" kinda of chick. No, don't get your knickers in a knot!!! It's not a racial thing. It was either one way or the other... there was no grey area!!! I cannot tell you how many therapists have tried to drill that into my head. They wanted me to open my mind to the possibility that not all things are simply one way or the other. I tried but fell back into my old ways of thinking...

Lately, I have had to sit back and really think about it. Is the world simply black and white... right or left... right or wrong, or is there much more grey in life than I cared to admit??? I think back to studying law and how I didn't want to finish because I struggled internally about where I wanted to be. (Let me explain...)

I knew that I wanted to be strictly involved with criminal law, and herein is where the problem lies. If I chose to be a prosecutor, what if I was given a case where I would have to go before the courts and try to put eg. a father in prison who has killed a man who hurt or did worse to his child??? I could not with good conscience go through with that. Then on the flip side, what if I was duty counsel, eg. what if I was I was given a case where I had to do everything I could to defend a pedophile, or a child murderer??? 

I guess what I am trying to say, this conversation I had the other day, where I said I was very much a "black or white person"... made me realize that I actually am in the grey area quite a bit. Maybe this is why I play devil's advocate a lot?!! To be honest, this is kind of profound for me and I feel overwhelmed by it.

I don't know if this will make sense to a lot of you; but I am grateful for someone loving me enough to take the time to walk with me... to talk WITH me (not talk AT me). I love that I am still learning. I crave knowledge and I am thankful for all the intellectual conversations we have... it's a beautiful thing. Sometimes scary; but always beautiful. 

~Phoenix