Twisted Inside

Page 264 of 366. Hello my Lovies. I cannot believe it has been almost a month since I have put an entry on my personal blog. To say that life has gotten in the way, is an understatement. 

This blurb may be a bit of a jumbled mess, as I have a few things on my mind, and they might just come out as verbal diarrhea because my brain is just stuck in "fog mode" lately. 

Where do I begin???

I have conflicted feelings about what is happening in my own little family. I am not at liberty to discuss what is going on; but I fully understand the reasoning behind things. I will forever preach this... I implore everyone who is in a shitty marriage, to NEVER stay together for the sake of your children... it is the BIGGEST mistake you can ever make!!! You are simply teaching your child(ren) that screaming matches and arguments, along with disrespect and possibly abuse are acceptable behaviour. 

It sucks to end a marriage, or walk away from a partner you thought you were going to be with forever; but it sucks even more to remain trapped in a situation you cannot fix and one that is literally killing you inside. I am not just winging it here... I am sharing this from personal experience. 

Next I have learned from another source that there has been a death in the family. I don't want to get into details about that either; other than, once again, someone who feels the need to be absolutely a control freak is trying to control the narrative on the entire thing. I have zero use for the drama. I sent my condolences to those who I care about and know how much they are affected by it. 

I will not subject myself to ridicule nor contact others, who will only bitch that I know about the situation; even though it involves my own "family" (yes, just because you're blood, doesn't mean you are family... sometimes, the most toxic thing in the world is blood!!!) ~ people who have good family ties, can never comprehend that because they truly do NOT know any different!!!

I guess the bottom line of my entry today is that people do not truly understand what another is going through; every single one of us is dealt with a unique family dynamic... one that is exclusively yours. We all cope with things differently. People don't understand when I seem cold and say I do not care... it's hard to comprehend when I say this; but it is the truth. 

It took me a very long time to really grasp the true meaning of "it is what it is"!!! Now that I have accomplished it, there is an incredible sense of freedom that comes with it. It hurts when people cannot understand this. I fought most of my life with demons many won't admit to. I always needed to understand why I was rejected by two mothers and why I always felt like I wasn't good enough for people; yet I loved them with every fiber of my being. 

I've grown out of that stage, thanks to people who loved me on the same level that I loved them. People who were patient with me. People who let me make my own mistakes and allowed me to bloom into the being I am now. I had to learn that the top thing I needed to learn was that no matter what others thought or felt... I needed to love myself, first and foremost... which is what I have done. 

By doing that, I have accepted what is. I have learned that those who have harmed me, emotional, physically, mentally and sexually have obviously had to fight their own demons. I don't know what they were, and that doesn't excuse their behaviour, but it may be why it made sense to them in the moment. 

Does that mean I forgive them for what they did to me, to ease their conscience??? Absolutely not... I forgave them for my own well-being!!!

Yes there are moments I have and will probably have until my dying breath that I will struggle with; but those are for me to figure out. I simply wish that when I express them to someone I trust with my life, that they would not just hear me, but listen to what I am saying (and not saying). 

I am not expecting people to agree with me and my views; it is perfectly okay to disagree with each other, what's not okay is dismissing the other person's feelings and views; which are completely valid, on both sides. 

What I cannot handle is when I share something that is so personal to me, things I have overcome and I am still told that I am wrong and, "I WANNA STAY IN THE TRAUMA" and it's understood, "WHY I DON'T TALK TO A THERAPIST!!!"

I hope you felt fantastic saying that to me... I really do!!! All I got to say about those comments is ... "WOW!!! and "BRAVO!!!"

Goodnight Lovies. Stay safe. Stay cool/warm. Be well. Be Blessed.

~Phoenix

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