A Beautiful Disaster

 

Page 321 of 366. Good Afternoon Lovies. I know, I have been writing a lot about events that have been happening around us/me lately; a lot of it ranting about things that have either boggled my mind or have troubled it. Today's entry is going to be a bit different... I want to discuss something that is troubling my heart.

I know I preach a lot about how others' opinions of me are not my business... and I still stand by those words. I've heard some nasty words spewed at me, and about me. I have learned over the years to create this heavy, invincible shell around me to not really allow anyone to get to my heart. 

This has been no small feat because I have soooo much empathy for people.

As many of you can guess, I was educated from the SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS and the lessons from the school ~ well, let's just say, they are literally until we take our last breath on this earthly plane. This particular lesson I am talking about is all matters of the heart.

When I looks back, with the life lessons and knowledge I have now; I believe I loved my first husband, and we had a few good years; but we truly were never suited for each other. Don't get me wrong, I had my mental health issues and he had issues I will not discuss because in the end; you all know the marriage ended, but he remained a good father, so there is no need to sit and bash him.

Then came Teddybear... I really cannot talk about him without tears filling my eyes. We matched in a lot of ways. We shared most things in common, we had great times; but don't let that fool you... we definitely had our struggles. 

I will not get into many details, but his health conditions meant I was caring for him 24/7; and to me, this was never a burden... you do this for your partner... WITHOUT a question or second thought!!! 

The biggest argument we had was, he felt I didn't need to take medication for my mental health disorders and it DID lead me down dark paths; including attempted suicides and stints in psychiatric facilities. 

I hold no shame in the disorders I deal with. I did some crappy things when I was in psychosis and I take full accountability for them, but people need to remember that is in the past and I don't live there any more. Inspite of all this... We loved each other and we ended when on the brutal morning of January 28th, my children and I woke up to him dead beside me in bed.

(After this, my heart closed completely... I absolutely refused to open my heart to another... I did not want to EVER feel that kind of pain again).

This part here, may sound harsh to some, pathetic to others or even bring out sympathy... I really don't want any of it. I am just stating the facts.

A year and a half after Teddybear's passing. I DID marry again. I married someone who was 100% the polar opposite of him. I did not love this man, and frankly; I eventually asked him to leave (sorry, that is the nice way of putting it); NO I did NOT throw him on the streets. He stayed until he had a place to go. The biggest problem with our "relationship" was that he was a doormat. I am trying not to disrespect him, and obviously am not sayng his name; I simply couldn't stay in a relationship with a person with no back bone.

Add another couple "relationships", that were both a couple years long and here we are today.

I acknowledged when the last relationship ended, that I truly needed time to heal ~ physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. I DID take that time. I absolutely refused to bring all the trauma and baggage to dump on a man who didn't do those things to me. I will openly say, I slip sometimes and my PTSD kicks in when I am triggered; but if you had seen me before compared to now... You'd be super impressed on my own personal growth.

I am not ready to explain why this is swirling through my head... stuck on repeat...I'd much rather focus on the moon... a beautiful disaster like me. The perfectly imperfect light that illuminates my night sky. 

~Phoenix