Maybe Not Meant for This World...

 

Page 334 of 366. Good Afternoon Lovies. It's FriYay!!! I hope you all have a fantastic weekend, with whatever you are doing. 

I plan to do exactly what I am doing right now... either listening to music and writing in my blog, being on social media, or watching something on tv and talking to beloved.

I come today with a dilemma. 

I have been told this most of my life, that I love too much... I am too passionate about things... I take things too personally... I take on soooo much for my loved ones. 

I do not deny any of these "observations" and I have no intention of changing me to suit the narrative of society, or anyone around me. I know what has lead me to being this way... I have been, in my life, someone who has experienced what it feels like to not have love; and I vowed to myself that NO one who enters my life will EVER feel that. I do not wish that on my worst enemy. Maybe it's one of my biggest flaws; but it is a part of me...

I find it sad that my love "hurts" people. I struggle with my love being misunderstood. Obviously, I love people on different levels in my life, as they are in certain places in my life. Lately, I have been struggling with where I fit in, some people's lives... people who have been around for decades. I find myself questioning, if I actually knew the person at all; or if we should just severe ties at this point. That doesn't change how I feel about them, it simply means I don't know where I stand with them and letting go might be the best option.

I then struggle with the opposite...

In society, we are told over and over again that people who are blood, we are to love no matter what... unconditionally, if you will. I do NOT agree with that. I don't think there should be anything forced on anyone simply because society deems it as "right" and "proper". 

I have family members that I wouldn't shed a tear if they passed on. I have others that have done me wrong, in times I was so young, they should have taken care of me... I have for the most part, forgiven them ~ not necessarily for them, but for myself. 

The burden and weight that was on my shoulders was excruciatingly heavy and I needed to break free. It gave ME freedom!!! It gave me self-love and a new sense of self. Yes, it was kind of a mourning process; but a necessary one to move forward to a better, and happier future.

It's a slippery slope because as a parent, I have failed my children in ways, as well, I am ashamed for how things that were mostly out of my control, due to my mental health happened. Please don't misunderstand me, I fully acknowledge it, and take accountability for my actions.  This doesn't mean they need to automatically forgive me for my misdeeds simply because I am their mother... THIS IS WHAT I AM GETTING AT!!!

I guess what I am babbling about is this... Somedays, I wonder if my love just isn't meant for this world. I falter at a lot of things, but my love has been, is and always will be the purest thing about me. It's so embedded in me that I'd feel like a fraud without it. Sorry, I'm just lost in my head today :(

~Phoenix

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