To Feel, Or Not to Feel... The Million Dollar Question!!!

 

Page 342 of 366. Good Afternoon Lovies. Today is an interesting day for me. It used to be a day of celebration for me, however I found for the past 2 years that it is a struggle for me... do I feel, or do I close my heart off??

I am not going to get into all the small details as to why this day has become what it is because, as I have told you before, I do not like to share everything about my life on line. That being said....

Today is my oldest child's birthday. A day that profoundly changed my life. A day that opened my heart in ways I never thought possible. A day where you look at this tiny little face and realize how you need to stay strong as this wee lass relies solely on me. 

It was beautiful, scary and extremely overwhelming to become a mom, a single mom at that. I was 21 years old and given the biggest responsibility in the world. As I continue to tell you what is going on, please be aware that I am accountable for failures or my own actions that caused breakdowns.

Every trip around the sun, was a very big deal to me, and I made sure my child(ren) knew it. They are incredible gifts.. all our children are!!!

Basically, currently there has been a rather terrible split between my child and I, hence the difficulty of today. No matter what is going on, I love her. I think about her often. I woke up this morning and literally relived the moments of her birth; how being pregnant with her was such a wondrous experience. I really hope that she has an amazing day and it is filled with laughter and love, creating some beautiful memories. I wish her nothing but the best. I hope the only tears that stain her cheeks will be those of sheer joy!!!

Now, the second part of today is it's my best friend's birthday. I hope they have an awesome day, and don't have to deal with too many assholes at work today. I also wish that they have another trip around the sun, in good health and cheer. I wish bounty and wealth, laughter and love; for you are the best!!!

I guess the answer to the question is this... I CHOOSE TO FEEL... THE GOOD!!!

~ Phoenix

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