FFS I Matter Too!!!

Good evening lovies. I have been struggling with something that is very close to my heart. I truly do not know where to proceed next. I'm going to try and make a very long story as simple as I can...

I was adopted at 5months of age, (well apprehended at 5 months, adopted at 5 years). There is something that adoptees yearn for all their lives... WHY? 

I know for me there were many questions and on my 19th birthday it appeared I was going to get those answers when I met the woman who birthed me.

Unfortunately, I was sorely mistaken!!!

Years went by, and I allowed this woman to have control over certain things that were weighing heavily on my heart, She held the one piece of the puzzle that felt missing from my heart... who my biological father was?!!

I, one day decided that I wasn't going to allow another person have that kind of control over me... EVER!!! I left the situation alone. I struggled deeply. I was literally at war with myself. on this topic. In a way, I felt guilty that I wanted to know who he was, even though I had a dad. In other ways, I was concerned that what if he had no idea about me, was living a good life, happy marriage and a whole other family. Did I have the right to introduce myself? Then the last side of that was... why wouldn't I have the right to know my biological father? 

No matter how I came into existence, a man and woman chose to have sex and I was the result... NONE OF THAT SHOULD BE LAID ON ME!!!

This leads me to my current dilemma. My children and I did the DNA Ancestry kits, and we found the paternal side of my family; sadly he passed away a couple years before I found them. I have a talking relationship with my younger sister, but no contact with my older brother. I feel sad about that. I am not sure what is holding him back, other than this has been a complete shock. 

I am not doing another DNA test, but I would love to talk to him. I don't know him, but he matters to me. His hesitation is the reason I am not responding to any chats or PMs I am getting. I just want him to know that. I respect him and his decision. I have thusfar and until he has decided otherwise, I am stuck on the outside looking in. I just hope that those closest to him see that I matter too. I didn't ask to be in the situation we are in, and to avoid and brush me off, is not fair neither. I am as much his child as you are. 

~ Phoenix