You're Dead, Now What???

 

Page 23 of 365. Good Morning Lovies. It's a brisk one today! Stay warm, and safe. I have been trying to find the right time to write this entry; but there never seems to be a right moment for this kind of thing, is there?

From the mid of January until the end of January, I hit a depression; one I fear I may never come out of. 

(I have been better at coping with all the events that happen then; but the pain remains the same).

On January 16, a year and a week ago, today, my beloved aunt passed away. Her and I always had a very special bond. 

She loved me as if I were her own daughter; made me feel like part of a family that wasn't blood. It's like she was blinded to the words "adopted" or "blood related".Ironically, she almost WAS my adopted mother... but that's a story for another day!!!

Her passing was unbelievably painful to me; not in the sense of death. I know death is a part of life, and she deserved to leave, the suffering was unbearable for her. What was painful was that my parents (She's my Dad's baby sister), didn't bother telling me she had died until AFTER her funeral. 

(To this day I wonder if THIS is what triggered my overdose in the morning hours of the 17th. Not that they would have known how fragile of a mental state I was in... but I tend to feel, my bond with my aunt, and the timing of her death with my overdose is eeriely close).

The next event that hits the heart hard is the 24th is my favourite uncle's birthday. He is exactly 12 days younger than my dad, and one of the reasons I fell in love with motorcycles, football (CFL and NFL) in the first place. Sadly, my uncle passed on January 26th of 2018... His passing is still deeply felt. It has always seemed kind of "spiritual" how his beloved wife died on the 16th and him on the 26th; different years obviously!!!

The hardest hammer to hit, will forever be January 29th. That is Teddybear's deathdate. I can openly tell people, don't ever listen to anyone who says, "Time heals all pain," because that is the biggest load of shit ever spewed... it doesn't heal... it doesn't vanish... there's no timeline for grief. The brutal truth is this... It never goes away, we simply learn to live with it; don't ever think it's not there in every breath we take, because to do so, would be a mistake!!!

This is all the advice I have on this subject right now. I bear my heart for you all to see. Stay safe. Stay warm. Be well. Be blessed. Most of all, love and be loved

~ Phoenix

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