The Ties That Bind

 

Page 68 of 365. Good Morning Lovie. I hope you're all have a great weekend. I know the weather here has been extremely bipolar; inspite of the pain it has caused physically, I am not complaining.

This blurb is coming from the depths of my heart. It's something I have struggled with my entire life.

"Absolutely how I feel... my screams go unheard... my eyes stay unread... my hands remain bound... my heart breaks for the unloved child within."

Yesterday ended up being exactly how I knew it would; and people still question WHY I struggle with mental health... SMFH

Today, I struggle; but I will be okay. I am just working on restoring the bricks, to the wall I had let tumble. I feel like such a fool for believing that people can change. That people can just view me as love. That people can just look past my shell and see my soul... I guess my soul is just damned to walk this earth without the unconditional love that was supposed to be.

Asking for love is just too much... who knew?!!

The thing that angers me even more than the parental rejection is other people's views about it. I constantly hear that I "should be lucky to have parents". I "should be lucky they adopted me"; because who knows how my life would have turned out. 

Sure, I am happy for you... most people I know, have had a beautiful childhood with great memories... I do not. I am not jealous of you. Just consider yourself blessed; but don't think that all people who grew up in a household filled with luxious things, and two parents have to be GRATEFUL/THANKFUL for their parents!!!

The biggest thing people try to drill into my head is that I "should be grateful I still have parents alive"...To me? That is the BIGGEST slap in the face. If y'all could be flies on the wall, you'd understand that I don't give a rat's ass when they go. 

The damage is done. It has been done for a very long time. Anyone who knows me, knows I pour my heart and soul into people I love; but when that love is abused and my soul is tortured, I WILL walk away and cut ties. The only reason I have given my parents repetitive chances is because outsiders keep saying those phrases, you just read, to me. People make me feel guilty for wanting to let go and be free from the pain and empty shell I was whenever they were in my life.

My advice is this now...

Please kindly shut your mouths when it comes to my complicated (lack of) relationship with my parents; unless you have been there. Giving me ill advice, or telling me, I am "Lucky" is ludacris. Maybe, just maybe, my life has been the hell I am sharing... Money doesn't buy everything... in fact, money can't buy the most important things in life... LOVE, LOYALTY, HONOUR, RESPECT, TRUST & SAFETY/SECURITY... I know the last one isn't a normal thing to add; but to me it is vital.

It is time to break those chains and let myself be me. Stay safe. Stay warm. Be well. Be blessed, but most of all, BE LOVED!!!

~ Phoenix

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