First Day of a String of Difficulty Ahead

 

Page 128 of 365.

Good Afternoon Lovies. I hope you all had a fantastic Thor's Day!!! 

Today begins a string of difficult days ahead... I am trying to poise myself to view these days with positivity, and hope that not too many tears will fall through the coming days...

Today is my (adopted) sister's birthday. I haven't spoken, nor seen her since January; and that was at a family breakfast to celebrate dad's 86th birthday. We didn't really get a chance to speak, and to be perfectly honest it wasn't much of a conversation.

Don't get it twisted, I don't have an issue with my sister because despite her religious views, she never frowned upon me. She never scolded me, nor bashed me for completely turning my back on Christianity and the strict rules pertaining to ANY religious organization. 

We just don't have the sisterly relationship that most sisters have. She is 8 years older than me, and in our younger years, she didn't follow the straight and narrow, which separated us. Our parents (specifically, our "mother") forbade us to speak because she was supposedly the bad influence back then.

If you have been keeping up with my blogs, you will know that my family dynamic is extremely flawed.

Anyways, I guess what I wanted to get out, was this...

I sent my sister a message this morning, wishing her the best today. I hoped she had a great birthday, filled with laughter, love and good memories. I left it at that because I really don't know what else to say. I, of course, was disappointed (more at myself than anyone) for not getting a response. 

I ALWAYS build myself up for failure... always thinking people love as much as I do... some say it is my biggest flaw 😞 I don't like seeing it as a flaw because loving people is a HUGE part of my being. I guess at the end of the day, I am super grateful for those who are in my live, who love me; flaws and all... Those who are consistent in my life. People I rely on, especially my person; these are the ones who make my world tolerable and each day worth living with a smile :)

I want to end this blurb by saying I finally did hear from my sister, she thanked me... I guess that is the extent of our conversation for another year. It hurts, but at the end of the day, I literally need to choke back the tears and accept what is. 

A wise person in my life told me... I can either keep repeating this same cycle. I can keep trying to dress and act like they want me to be, or I can simply tell them to "fuck off" and live my life on my own terms... and BE ME!!! 

I THINK HE IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!

Stay safe. Stay cool. Be well. Be blessed. Most of all, Be LOVED!!!

~ Phoenix

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