Not Sure How to Feel...

 

Page 130 of 365.

Good Afternoon Lovies. Happy Caturday :) I truly hope everyone is out there enjoying this fantastic weather. 

For those out and about on two wheels, Keep those knees to the breeze and rubber side down. Never ride faster than your guardian angel can fly.... above all that, enjoy your wind therapy. Stay safe, riding season has just begun. 

For those who have managed to escape the concrete jungle and enjoy the tranquility of the country. I hope your respite gave you the peace you needed to recharge. I really am hopeful everyone had a blast, and new memories will live long!!!

Today, for me is a bit of a tough one.

A lot of people may not realize that today (the Saturday before Mother's Day) is Birth Mother's Day. Birth Mother’s Day is a mindful tribute to recognize birth mothers who chose to place their children for adoption.

I can understand the sentiment behind this day... but I have a hate/love relationship with it... in fact, this day leaves me very "raw" (for lack of a better word). I have ZERO love for my INCUBATOR, she literally was nothing more than a cooter shooter... in every sense of the word!!! She was a manipulating woman, who tried to control everything... and she DID, for a while.

I, unlike most adoptees, got the "privilege" of meeting this person on my 19th birthday. Being adopted, I always felt like there were missing parts, particularly because I didn't have a great relationship with my (adopted) mother. 

I craved to know where I came from, my biology, my heritage, my ancestors. This woman provided me with nothing; in fact, she left me with more questions than answers. 

I learned I had 3 more half biological brothers from her side. She would NOT tell me anything about my paternity. She wanted control.

Eventually, I walked away from her. I made the conscious decision to never speak to her again... She loved to taunt me, saying she knew who my father was. She kept up to date with him. She'd let me know his first name, where he was supposedly living and what he was doing for a living; other than that she told me that, "Even on my deathbed I won't tell you who he is!!!" 

THAT WAS MY CUE TO EXIT SIDE STAGE...

It took my children signing up and submitting their DNA for my new journey to begin. When they got their results, they found my paternal family in less than 12 hours. It broke me!!! My father, the final piece to my puzzle, had passed away 2 years prior. To this day, I still cannot truly explain the devastation and loss I feel... I mean, how do you mourn the loss of someone that you never even knew???

I don't want to end this on a bitter note. The search, my journey didn't end up a total loss. I found out that I have a baby sister and an older brother. My heart is swelled with love, knowing I have a baby sister... I never could say that before. It is going to be a process with other family members, but I am confident things will come together. It has been too long of a journey... too painful of a journey for it to end here. Know what I mean???

I would like to wish a few people Happy Mother's Day today... they are not the woman who spat me out; but they are woman who have become motherly figures in my life... Women who DESERVE the title. 

First, my maternal Auntie. She is nothing like her sister. SHe has stayed consistent in my life. Her love is unwavering and nonjudgmental. She is just an incredible, sweet soul all around... and I swear, if you look at us, you'd certainly think she IS my mum.

Second, I have Ma. She is adopted too, so we bond on a different level than I do with most people. We even come from the same background. She is a feisty woman that I proudly call "Ma".

Third, and definitely not least, I would like to acknowledge "Mum"... my sister's mother. A lot of the truth wouldn't have been revealed had she not remembered things from the past. She is an incredibly resilient woman and I love her with all my heart. She is the backbone of my paternal side of the family. She is there day in, and day out for my sister. (I am not going to get into the nitty gritty because that isn't my story to tell... I just think she is an incredible woman).

For those who have passed on that have guided me through my troubled times... I thank them and acknowledge them... but usually tomorrow.

Whew.... that was a lot to get off my chest today. I really hope you all have a great evening. Please, stay safe. Stay cool/warm. Be well. Be blessed. Most of all, Be LOVED!!!

~ Phoenix