Spitting Venom

 

Page 148 of 365.

Good Afternoon all you beautiful souls. I hope you're having a great Wetnesday (yah, I KNOW I spelled it wrong... it's been rainy all day, felt fitting)!!!

I know it is only Wednesday, but I have been having a bit of a "go" since Thursday last week. 

I had been trying to keep it to myself, but I tend to share with my person (my purple) all of my woes... God, he sure has some strong shoulders for all that I spew; especially if I spit venom. I am just grateful that, for the most part, he has known me long enough to know, it isn't directed at him. He is my saving grace when I am in the depths of my dispair.

I had a tough time the past few days because my "livelihood" was left in the hands of someone who was very frivolous with it. My sanity was hanging by a thread, which led to a series of unfortunate events...

Insecurities and other bullshit that was past history, reared its ugly head, giving me pause and placing me in a vulnerable place. I was soooo disappointed in myself for allowing the pain to return. My mind was sooooo spun, and clouded that I forgot I am not on this journey alone. My anxiety had taken hold and it looked like everyone who is in my life was in for a rollercoaster ride. 

I DO feel like I have had a lot of personal growth because I didn't have a full blown episode. (Didn't get triggered to the point that suicide seemed a viable option). I spend some time crying my misguided feelings out. I didn't completely shut down BUT a lot of that has to do with the people in my life... those who reminded me that I am okay... those who reminded me to not assume things (which is one of my BIGGEST flaws). You want to know what that did to me??? I wasn't yelled at. I wasn't berated. I wasn't made to feel stupid, weak or small. It snapped me out of the "spell" I was in.

Waking this morning... Things were finally resolved with the person who was being so non chalant with my livelihood... which gave me a chance to take a breath. Now to work on other important parts and people of my life.

Stay safe. Stay warm/cool. Be well. Be blessed. Most of all, Be LOVED!!!

~ Phoenix

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