Open and Vulnerable Truths About Me

As promised, this entry is going to be a bit more about me opening up about some of my personal demons. 

I know that mental health is still a huge taboo subject; and people would rather shove any topic that makes them feel uncomfortable under the rug... I cannot do that. I will always advocate for mental health awareness!!!

I HAVE mental health issues and disorders... I am not "mental" or "crazy" or "insane". It's like referring to people who HAVE cancer, you don't call them "cancerous", or imply that they are a burden to society because they have an illness, do you???

I can explain some examples of things that happen and how I react to them; to some, my actions make absolutely no sense to another, but they are completely valid to me...

I am a HUGE stickler for not going to bed angry, nor leaving the house if you are fighting with your partner or significant other. (This only became more prominent after I woke to finding my husband dead beside me 15 years ago). I feel if you're arguing, go to separate rooms, cool off, but don't leave the house... if one of you gets into an accident; those last words will haunt the other forever. 

The "not going to bed angry" is because I don't think anyone should wake up to the anger from the night before... it's a fresh day!!!

I am someone who loves the little things.

The good morning, and the good night messages to each other. Not just because it is a sweet thing to do. I find it respectful but again, it's kinda like a phobia for me. What if the person you were talking to, or you, didn't wake up??? 

I have things that trigger my PTSD, some far more than others...

I cannot handle when people call me by my birth name. It throws me in such a way that I have uncontrollable rage. The name brings up all the disdain I have for the incubator. 

It only symbolizes evil and sinister things to me.

I don't shy away from discussing mental health at all. I have attempted suicide 17 times in my 50 trips around the sun. I am not proud of this, but it is simple facts. People say that others attempt it to seek attention, or those who do manage to die; they are selfish. I cannot explain enough that it is NOT selfish... Depression and suicide is such a difficult burden to bear.

I was once asked by someone, what are people like me thinking when we attempt suicide? What goes through our minds??? I cannot speak for everyone, because we all have our own triggers and we all have our own emotions; so I can only share my experiences.

I am not thinking of anything but my own pain... physical and emotional at the time. I do not know what triggers me; usually its a trauma that is brought up out of nowhere. The last time I overdosed... I took over 350 pills. I do not remember doing it. I do not recall what triggered me, and I have no memory leading up to it. It was around the death date of my husband, so it might be possible that I saw a photo of him, or something that reminded me of him... I will never know.

I just wish people would realize that suicide is not selfish. Mental health hurts a lot of people; those who have it and those who have to cope with people who suffer from it. Everyone in this world is affected, one way or another, it doesn't discriminate neither. Sadly, it affects infants to seniors. All I can say is to try to be a little bit kinder to people; you never know what they are going through, and honestly, your smile may be the one thing that keeps them alive on any given day.

Before I go, I want to reassure everyone, I am not suicidal. I have a good support system. I have a good medical team who is helping me. I still have my down days, but I am not "hopeless".

Be well everyone.

~ Phoenix