So Much Healing Needed

Page 240 of 365.

Good Morning Lovies. I know, my writing has been sporadic lately. I cannot explain what I don't understand myself; but I have been going through a spell of anxiety and panic for weeks now, and it is affecting my daily life, to the point that I feel almost paralyzed by it.

I have been having nightmares that I relive vividly in my waking hours. I really don't want to talk about them, but I feel I need to, in order for me to settle my mind.

As many of you know, I am estranged from my parents (Adopted). I have not spoken to them in months, not even a single text message... 

I am not putting that entirely on them, because I asked them to no longer contact me, after receiving sage advice from a very wise person in my life (well, many people actually). I couldn't handle the pain it caused me every time we spoke. I couldn't handle the belittling, or their demands for me to comply to their ways (whatever it was at the moment). I had to do this for my own sanity!!!

This is what it has led me to...

The last time I spoke to them, they had asked all the kids what we think my dad should do about his stomach cancer. They said they needed our opinion; mine was, not to do it because Dad is 86 years old. Come to find out, over a month later, I find out that my dad had the surgery, and wasn't doing well. I was flabbergasted that I was neither called to be told he had the surgery, nor how he was doing after it. This hurt me soooo bad that I told them to not bother contacting me anymore, and just speak to their children that they actually care about.

The reason you needed to hear this backstory is because I have been dreaming about my dad's funeral for the past few weeks. I literally check the obituaries every day; because quite frankly, I doubt I would even be told if he passed... it would be an "OOPS, we forgot to inform you" kinda thing... as they have done with everyone that I loved in the family that has passed on already.

I know the superstitions that come along with these dreams, and it sucks. I know it is the inevitable, but it'll hurt none the less. I need to stop writing about this one because I don't need to cry today... not about this... when there is so much healing needed in the world today.

Stay safe. Stay blessed. Be LOVED

~ Phoenix

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