Can You Relate?

 

Page 297 of 365.

Good Morning Lovies. I hope the day treats you well. I woke up at the ass crack of dawn today... not sure why; but here I am!!!

I am going to try to keep this entry brief, as it is something that weighs heavily on me heart...

I am a fun loving, open-minded, but very opinionated kinda woman. I love with all of my heart. I am kind (too kind, according to those closest to me). I am a free spirit who tends to give people chances when they clearly don't deserve it.

Then comes the other side of me...

I have depression. I have social anxiety. I have cPTSD. I have panic attacks. Most days, I am confident about myself, but there are some days I think and feel the worst about myself, for absolutely no reason. I get triggered at the smallest thing, or words sometimes.... and it can take me days to process through it (That is my ADHD though). 

I had to write all this to get to my point...

I know, on my good days, I am easy to love. I am easy to talk to. I am the one uplifting everyone who needs it... but then come the dark days. 

Suddenly, I no longer exist to anyone. I become reclusive. I don't want to be around people. If I need to be out, I feel like I am alone in a room full of people. I tire quickly. I get confuzzled. I am not steady on my feet, nor and I certain where I stand in people's lives... or who I actually am in reality neither. 

It gets very frustrating, and scary at times.

I know, for me, I feel I am not worth anything. I try to stay positive around the people I love, but I am completely shattered inside. I no longer believe in myself, in these moments. I no longer believe people care about me... even those who have loved me for 20+ years. 

I can only speak about MY side of these things when I fall down a rabbit hole, not sure if I will recover; but I have to wonder, what is it like for the people who endure the rollercoaster ride, I put them through??? 

Just thinking about it, is making me really sad and angry with myself. I have some people in my life that mean everything to me... I hate knowing that I cause them any pain or aggravation. I hate that I need reassurance, for the same thing, repetatively. I swear some of them must have the patience of a saint. It makes me wonder WHY??? Am I such a good person, that the inconveniences are worth it??? Am I that special and important to them???

Just food for thought.

~ Phoenix

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