It's Not Me

 

Wow, my brain is on overload and I have been dying to write, it's just been sooooo jumbled, I have been unable to sit down long enough to let the words fall out like verbal diarrhea. I guess today is the day, I am finally going to let some of that spill onto my keyboard...

I have always felt very strongly about a relationship/friendship that has been a part of my life, for more than half my life... (Crazy to think how long that actually is... a friendship that has endured more marriages than either of us care to count. LOL)

If I am not fully transparent... I am nothing, so I am opening up and exposing my vulnerabilities here... no matter how tough we are, all of our shells have cracks. Scary, no?

Being the way I grew up, you quickly learn there is no one to rely on, other than yourself... and sometimes, your own judgment is questionable. If you are lucky enough to find someone who has the same mentality, not judgmental, loves, respects, trusts and whose loyalty is never questioned... stick to that person because you have won the jackpot in life!!! 

I PROMISE YOU!!!

Recently, I have been battling my own personal demons. Doubt, fear and insecurities have made me very edgy and irrational with stuff. Unfortunately, the person I love the most has been subjected to the brunt of my pain. I questioned loyalty, respect and love... I never felt so alone, and it literally had nothing to do with anyone. It was my mind and scars from the past creeping in, reminding me how cruel people can and have been.

I guess what I am trying to say is life is one hell of a journey. There are way too many twists, turns, potholes, split lanes, one way, dirt, paved and Lord knows what else to travel by yourself. I mean, of course, there will be times that we NEED to travel alone; it's the only way, for us, as individuals to have personal growth. 

When that special person enters your life, you will know it. They will know it. I don't want to use the term "soulmate" or "ride or die" or "twin flame"... all these terms have been over-used by people who don't actually know the REAL meaning of them. I'd like to say this person is my "live and ride" (LOL)... No, really I don't really have the right term to use for him, or us because nothing CAN define what we share. 

All I know, is I am soooo grateful to the universe for placing him in my life. For bringing someone into my life, who protects every part of me ~ doesn't judge or berate me when I go a little psycho. Respect and loyalty that can't possibly be matched by another. I can lose everything in my life (well, not my children and grandchildren)... but not him.

That's all I got to say. I've been trying to be a better person, a strong person again. I don't know what has broken me the past few weeks/month; but all I can do is be a better person and stand taller than I was. If people can learn from my own weaknesses; than bearing my soul was worth it.

Stay blessed Lovies.

~ Phoenix

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