What Protecting Yourself Costs

Page 292 of 365.

Good Afternoon Lovies. How are you? I hope you're having a great Sunday Funday... whether you're watching football, or just enjoying time with friends, family or loved ones.    

(I stopped watching football for my own personal reasons... mostly because the league is bringing too much political and religious shit into it. I just want to watch a game... not some pansy ass bullshit. I don't care who is dating who... I hate the disrespect of the anthems and flags... Nah. I'm good. I'll stick to hockey!!!)

I have been wanting to get something off my chest in the past couple weeks, but wasn't sure how to say it without sounding like a complete bitch. 

I am going to try to tread lightly, even though this subject really can't be expressed delicately... it's more of a "this is how it is" kinda thing!!!

I like to believe I have a good heart; at least people tell me I do. I am someone who is a "giver". I don't need to tell people that I have been through a lot; but it is because of my own experiences that I have the views I do. If I can help someone, I will do my best to do so... at least, I USED to.

I have found that up until recently, I have been helping others sooooo much that I have not only lost my peace in the mayhem... I also lost me, if that makes any sense. I had no sense of who I was anymore. I felt like a drone, just trying to accommodate everyone else and make sure their needs were met, sacrificing my own needs, my own peace... even allowing those into my bubble who should have never been there.

I take a lot of flack from people. I tolerate a lot... I really do. I have always said things like, "I love, love and love... until I don't" and that is probably the biggest truth about me. After enduring over 10 years of disrespect from some punkass bastard who I had to tolerate due to family circumstances... it took me punching the asshole in the head to take back my self-worth and self-respect. It cost me dearly, but I am at peace with it.

I promised myself a few things back when that happened. I was no longer EVER going to allow a man to lay his hands on me out of anger. I was no longer going to accept any sort of disrespect from anyone. I am responsible for my actions and my reactions... I will NOT be accountable for what others do or say. 

(That being said... a few weeks ago; I had to cope with something that was super disrespect to me. It may have seemed minor to some people; but to me, it was HUGE, and since it happened in MY house, and it was towards ME... I feel I had every right to do what I did).

I had taken some people in, who had nowhere to go. It was mutually beneficial as they were helping me with my medical stuff; but it quickly felt like my place was being taken over, and no longer my own home. It finally exploded when a person decided to compare the death of some relative to the death of my husband. 

UMMM, the mention of his name is a massive trigger to me... especially when you don't know him, or do it in a way this person did. I told them they had to move out, gave them a week. Some may find it extreme, and you may be right. I only know that I don't tolerate disrespect and I was not going to allow my bubble to feel toxic anymore. I needed peace.

I can confidently say, there are only two people I will always take care of besides me. Two people I will take care of no matter the circumstances (obviously not including my kids and grandkids). My Ma who lives with me, and my Purple/ My Yellow/ My Person... that's it!!! I am on my 50th trip around the sun; I think I have given enough to society and people who are takers. You can only give so much before the only thing you have left to give is the middle finger!!!

Stay blessed

~ Phoenix