When Life's Curveballs Cry, "FOUL"!!!

 

Hi again. I have been slacking on my writing, so you get the "privilege" of being stuck in my head today LOL I have been increasingly trapped in my head; mostly with things that are irrational to others, but to me, they are true fears and emotions.,, and it SUCKS, that I feel this and NO ONE understands that I don't choose to feel and act this way.

I am struggling. I am having days where I have just wanted to up and disappear. I have not been suicidal (which I DO get when I have been triggered. I am NOT a planner. I am a spur of the moment kind of person. When something triggers me, I will attempt it and that's that). 

I am just trying to reassure people that I feel hopeless, not suicidal!!!

The best way to describe what I feel sometimes is this... Have you, or do you love someone so much, that you feel they deserve better? It's not that you want them to choose to be with someone else, you just want them to be happy. No matter how many times they reassure you, you can't help but feel (at times), that everyone's life would be better if you just vanished (moved, not died)!!!

I know, I am on a down swing when it comes to friends and relationships. I go through these phases. I don't do this intentionally; and I truly wish I could express that in a way that everyone would understand. I also fully acknowledge that this is my mental health, and is also MY words and actions that I am completely accountable for. I preach all the time, that having mental health disorders does NOT excuse behaviour. I am sure people are tired of me apologizing.

I cannot stand saying "sorry" all the time. It seems so repetitive. I just don't know how to correct it. I try so fkn hard to not have these feelings and notions from popping into my head. I fight the urge to not be a "bother", and when I feel soooo shitty about it, I fall into my "fight or flight" mode. That has been my go-to for the past 50 years. I sometimes wonder if people really grasp how hard it is to keep to my promise to not go on the "run". 

I don't run because I am a coward. I run because I feel it is the best for everyone else... Recently, there has been someone who tries to show me, it is not the case. I mean, there are a few people who tell me that, encourage me that I have to stay; that I am needed and wanted. 

There is one person, above all others, who is my person... my purple... my yellow. They feel the brunt of my "swings" and I am sure they are beyond tired of it. My eyes fill up with tears as I fear the worst... worried what my life would be like if they walk away from me; and if they did, it would be completely on me. I can't blame them for getting fed up from the emotionally beating I give them when I swing mentally.

I fkn hate hurting people, especially this one. I can only say, I will try harder to focus on the good, and not allow these insecurities and "irrational"thoughts to control my life. For now, I feel like I need to close down... I cannot take on more than I can "chew" so to speak. I have my tribe, that is ALL I can take care of. It is all I can worry about and support. I have a big heart, and want to make sure everyone I know is safe and okay; but at the same time, I need to stop helping everyone who needs it. 

I don't know if this blurb is going to make sense to anyone, but it is what it is. Inside my head, the words are jumbled... It's as confusing in there as it is in my heart. I simply hope that everyone is safe, warm and content. 

Until my next entry,

~ Phoenix

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