When the Mind Plays Tricks

 

I know this is going to be more of a touchy subject. I have been struggling mentally lately. I mean, I am not having a mental breakdown, where I feel I need to go to the hospital and get an evaluation; but I have definitely been having episode after episode. 

Every week I am snapping on my person. He takes the brunt of it. I really don't deserve someone like him in my life; but I am eternally grateful for him. I tell him this all the time; but there are truly no words that can express how true that it.

I CAN admit that this week got me good. I got triggered soooo bad, that I actually contemplated swallowing as many pills as I could find. It wasn't an idle threat neither. 

I honestly am so disappointed in myself. I haven't had suicidal thoughts or triggers in a very long time. It took me a couple days to get out of my head. I cannot really explain why I get stuck, and overthink... always the worst case scenario. 

Am I the only one who does this??? It fkn sucks.

I am just going to have to fight harder to trust my heart. Trust my person, and trust our history more. It takes a lot (I mean ALOT) for me to trust anyone. I mean, with my life. There is only one person I can say that about... My heart? That is a different story. I have walls so high, and so thick around mine that I never thought I would ever lower them. I didn't want to ever love someone again. Let's be real, loving someone also means being vulnerability to heartbreak. Everyone hates being vulnerable.

I guess what I am trying to say is this...

I know, I am not the only one who suffers from mental illness/disorders. I am here to say, I understand what you are going through. I KNOW the stigma we all face. I want you all to know, you do NOT need to suffer alone. I struggled for a long time when it came to taking medication. I felt for a long time that I had to be a loser because I had to take meds to be "normal". My own family would tell me it was in my head... That if I only did this. If I only did that!!! I had zero support and it sucked.

I am not proud to admit this, but since I don't like to hide behind shyt I will say it. I have attempted suicide 17 times in the 50 years I have been on this earthly plane. I now accept that I will be on medication for the rest of my life; some days, to even function at bare minimal. Having mental health is not what defines me, any less than having cancer defines a person who has cancer.

I will forever be an advocate for mental health awareness. It is vital for people to support those who cope with it. Not just people who have the disorder, but also those people who are around them every day... Those people who live day in and day out with people who have mental health disorders sacrifice a lot, and suffer too. I know those closest to me, are unfortunately a "punching bag" when I go off the "deep end". 

(Usually, it is the one you love the most that you hurt the most, and it SUCKS!!!)

You may ask what has brought this on today? I had a terrible week mentally. I am not sure what started it, but it was quite the spiral that lasted for days. I have slowly crawled out of the rabbit hole, and starting to feel "okay" BUT now... I am out of medication and the pharmacy has decided they won't deliver any of my medication until tomorrow; because yesterday I was sick and didn't get out of bed. 

The delivery guy called and my phone was off... I find this wrong because I DID call the pharmacy at 10:30 this morning, and was kept on hold for over 2 hours before I hung up. I called back to find out their lines were down. When I got a text that my medications were ready, I called back and was told they won't deliver until tomorrow. Do they not realize that even missing one day of medication is dangerous, especially come of the meds that I take??? This is insane (pardon the pun)!!!

I am trying to stay on an even keel for the night... don't ask me how I am going to sleep tonight, considering even when I have my meds, I am an insomniac. UGH. I'm determined to not think about this. I cannot get stuck in my head... they will be here tomorrow, which means I will be a zombie by nightfall.

I know this is long winded, but I feel this is an important topic and no one should feel ashamed to speak about it. This is a safe space, no judgment!!

~ Phoenix

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