Catch a Glimpse

 

Page 67 of 365.

Good Afternoon Dear Lovies. I hope the day finds you well. The weather has been unusually beautiful outside this weekend, minus the rain (which I happen to love, but that is besides the point). 

There have been a few rather scary moments in the community, where children have fallen through the ice, on the lake, not realizing that it was 20 C outside, making the ice conditions rather unsafe and unpredictable. 

All in all, everyone was safely rescued, and lessons learned...  (One can hope!!!)

Today, I decided to expose my vulnerability to you all. I don't like showing my cracks to people; but I feel if I cannot share what I go through, than I am simply being a hypocrite for everything that I stand for. Please bear with me as I try to explain what has triggered me, and why I am being the way I am.

So, to begin, those of you have had been reading my blog from the beginning, know that I have been sexually assaulted in recent years, and it was done by someone who worked for the slumlords who own the very building I reside in. He no longer works here, but he seems to keep showing up, and doing whatever he wants around here. 

I hate the fact that he never faced any consequences for what he did to me, and to several other women who live here. If he wasn't physically assaulting them, he was sexually harassing many of them. It is disturbing how the slumlord knows about it; and chose to order their employees not to cooperate with his "victims"; and called the witnesses all liars.

I am writing that part, because it all ties into what has happened and why I have been triggered so bad AGAIN this week...

This vile being was known for roaming around the building, when he was working, to whistle while he worked. I have been living here for 14 years now; and I have never heard another person whistle while they wandered the halls of the building.

Maybe they have, and I just didn't notice, but once he started doing it, it really was one thing that REALLY stuck with me.

Most of you don't know this, but my building has been losing a lot of tenants due to the shitty conditions we are living in, and the lack of help, repair, or any kind of maintenance. 

I am saying that, for you to understand that each floor has 7 apartments, and currently my floor only has 3 apartments occupied... that being said... I heard someone whistling the other day, on our floor; and it instantly triggered my cPTSD. I couldn't even get off my couch to see if my door was locked (which it wasn't). I froze, and felt like a complete idiot and loser. It is insane (sorry for the lack of a better word), how one tiny little thing can trigger such an emotion/reaction.

Here we are, about a week later, and I am still having nightmares about it. I panic, every time I pass by my front door and see it unlocked. I rarely leave my apartment. I don't like people around my door, or even in the hallway outside my door. My anxiety goes through the roof at the slightest sound of someone being out there; regardless of who it is. I don't wish mental health disorders on anyone; not even my worst enemy.

After all that, even something so minor as someone whistling in the hallway, has made me really look into and now, purchasing a "peephole" camera. I am hoping it will ease my mind a little.

I know that people suffer from cPTSD or PTSD from various events/traumas in their lives and all I can offer them is gentle hugs and these words... "I completely understand what you are going through. Your feelings are valid, and you can and should do anything and everything you can to ease yourself of triggering an episode." If that means, going to buy a camera for your front door, then do it. If it means buying cameras for inside your place, then do it. 

If doing certain things, that don't really make sense to other people, but will ease your own mind... than ignore the naysayers and do what will help you!!! People do not need to understand why you do the things you do. They also do not know what you think and feel, which is okay; but, they need to absolutely respect it. It's about time that society stops the stigma they have placed on all mental disorders, and begin to grasp that we do not choose to be like this.

If explaining my vulnerability today has helped anyone, in any sort of way; than I am glad I shared. Please stay safe. Stay warm/cool. Be well. Be blessed. Most of all, Be LOVED!!!

~ Phoenix

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