I Feel Accomplished Today

I'm back LOL. Anyways, I did want to post about this today because it's important to be honest with my readers and followers. I am an open book and a HUGE advocate for mental health awareness; so for me to shy away from my own personal journey and struggles with it, would be a bit hypocritical... so why shy away now???

I don't think I need to rehash everything that has happened since the 22nd of December... if you want to know, you'll have to catch up on my blog. Well, to make a long story short, I am still catching up on all the stuff that resulted from that.

I continue with my safety plan, and I cannot thank everyone enough for stepping up and making sure I don't slip down another rabbithole. I have to admit, there has only been one day where I mentioned that "I wish I had my meds"... honestly, I don't even remember what was going on, but something triggered me. But with the help and love from my tribe, I managed to talk it out instead of trying to kill it.

There IS a reason I am writing this today. I had a very long convo with someone last night, that I absolutely adore. She is so easy to talk to, and it helps that we have a lot of things in common.... things we can't share with most. What a beautiful soul!!! She LITERALLY made me repeat her words out loud. It was an incredible and enlightening moment for me, since I don't handle compliments well and I do not always feel like a warrior (even though I truly am). Someone who is just getting to know me, knew exactly what I need to hear and do in order to start the journey I am on today. (And trust me, I do NOT hate you for loving me!!!)

This morning, I got up with a sense of purpose... not that I didn't have one before, I have a renewed sense of purpose and she simply validated it. As you know, I do not mention names, but she definitely knows who she is... and believe me when I say her and I are going to have a long future together, for reasons I choose not to disclose right now. 💋💖

I am getting way off course here...

Over the past couple days, I have been working on myself, even reaching out and setting up for counseling, therapy and psych. I know I need to work on myself... it's not even a need as much as it's a want!!! I have people in my life that I WANT to live for. 

So about today, I spoke to an intake worker for a place that offers various services for mental health. I can tell you, it was not an easy call. When you are like me, and have been living in survival mode for so long, it is very difficult to admit what is "wrong" (and I hate using that term)...

As you are all well aware of, I have PTSD and that is from childhood trauma as well as being sexually assaulted and raped, in my youth and as late as 5 years ago. I cannot tolerate excessively loud bangs (like fireworks). I need to be sitting in the corner if I go to a restaurant, as I need my back to the wall and need to know where all the exits are. 

I have social anxiety, where I cannot handle crowds. If there is too much happening around me, I will literally shut down and curl into as small a ball as I can, with my ears covered. (This would be not just an anxiety attack but a full on panic attack). I cannot be in enclosed spaces with no escape. I even can't go to people's houses unless they are aware of my conditions and I am provided with a safe bubble and have an escape plan in place.

I cannot take public transit because I am not in control of the vehicle, nor can I jump out at any time, if needed. I don't like that there are total strangers between me and my escape routes. Again, I can't handle the hustle and bustle of it all.

I go shopping the second the store opens, when it's the least busiest. I create a list, I grab what is on the list and I am quickly back out the door. I have learned a few coping skills, but I still get triggered if someone comes up behind me, that I do not trust. People cannot touch my wrists or hands, just ask the nurse I punched out for repeatedly doing this after I warned her over and over again that she cannot touch my hands or wrists. People cannot grab my neck, unless I fully trust them; and touching my face is a HUGE no-no.

It took everything in me to reveal all my weaknesses to this stranger on the phone today; but you know what??? I DID IT!!! I took another step to ensure I have a better future than past.

There's one last thing I want the world to know...

Just because it is invisible, doesn't mean it don't exist!!! (Yes, I realize that is a double negative, but you're just gonna have to deal with it). I really want the narrative to change when it comes to mental health. The stigma attached to it, is not changing... there's a lot of talk, but honestly the lack of resources is utterly ridiculous. The one thing that I wish people would change is the wording. I don't say I AM mentally ill. I now say I HAVE mental health issues. Just because I have them, doesn't mean they define all of me. Make sense???

Be blessed everyone