Cornered and Frustrated

 

Hi all. I guess I should say, "Good Evening" as it's technically after 6pm and ti's dark as hell outside...

As some of you know, I am dealing with quite a few health issues, as so many others in the world... I do have to say, I am very glad that my family doctor is NOT a pill-pusher; however my difficulty is that it is necessary for me to take man-made medications to live. 

I struggle a lot of the time (TRUTHFULLY???), because other people tell me I don't need the medication; that it's bullshit. It's all in your head. Do you know the side effects??? Et cetera...

I take a lot of what is thrown at me to heart; especially when it comes to my mental health and well-being. A lot of people do not understand that it is a life long struggle because when you hear those words said to you ALL the time, when you feel good and happy, you truly believe you are better and go off your medication. 

I know... I have done it MANY times!! Then it may be days, weeks or possibly a month before you crash; once that happens it takes 3 MONTHS for your body to regulate what has been undone while you haven't taken the meds. I fully acknowledge that we as people shouldn't listen to others and their opinions or views on such things; but there are some things we can't forget. I can only speak about my own experiences, so allow me to explain...

Most of my life, I have heard from people who are supposed to love me unconditionally that it is all in my head. My suicide attempts were for attention. From those same people, I learned from a very young age that it was me, and me only against the world. I was told I was useless and unwanted. That they wished they never laid eyes on me 

(This one is one of my favourites from my mom (adopted)... wish they never adopted me!!)

These words will remain in my head until my dying breath; call it PTSD, call it depression, call it trauma. I have sought therapy. I even admit I have spent time in psychiatric wards. I am not saying this out of sympathy... this is simply part of my story.

Some days, I still hear those words in my head, as vividly as when they were shouted at me for years. You're probably asking why I am bringing this up now, and the answer is simple (at least for me)...

I have been in a funk lately; a fairly deep one. I am not suicidal. I am not hopeless. I am just very, very sad. In the past few years, I have heard similar sentiments from people who I loved ALOT. One stood over me, while I lay on the ground in pain, after falling... telling me, "I should just kill myself and do everyone else a favour!"(That was from someone who had been in my life for 34 years). Another person (told me more than once), that, "I should just kill myself and stop being a burden to others"... the same person saying, "they should have just left me dead". Another, used my mental health against me and told me, "I should have just finished what I was trying to do before!!"

These words have been swirling in my head sooo much lately... Maybe because it's my birthday coming up soon. Maybe because the "holiday season" is approaching... which technically shouldn't bother me because I haven't celebrated in a few years. Maybe because the one year anniversary of my overdose is coming up, or maybe it is because the death date of Teddybear is coming up again.

I feel there is pretty much only one really good thing that happened in 2025; but ,I guess you can say this year has been a rather bitter pill to swallow. (How ironic, right?) Anyways. I can tell at this point that I am babbling. I hope this blurb makes sense to you all. Have a good night!!!

#mentalhealthmatters #endthestigma #selflove #breakthesilence #youarenotalone #anxietyawareness #depressionawareness #suicideawareness #letstalk

~Phoenix