Sometimes the Rabbithole is Just a "Plot"

 

I am back, with yet another thought that is weighing on my mind. Don't worry, it's not really a negative thing... it's more of a "please use my experience when considering what you're going to do" kind of scenario. We all know I am far from a know-it-all; and I am always craving knowledge... there is ALWAYS more things to learn, for as long as your body draws breath. 

If your experiences can help even one person in their decision, then it's a beautiful thing, no??? You could save someone from the heartache you've felt.

The tale I am going to share today, is about my experience of being an adoptee. Many, if not all, people have this whimsical belief that all adoptees have this sense of obligation to be grateful to be adopted after their biological "parent(s)" either gave them up, or they were apprehended by Child Protective Services... 

You couldn't be more wrong; and putting that kind of pressure on a child, even a teen or adult is such a brutal thing to do... to me, I actually consider it to be emotional and mental abuse. Sure, some may have ended up in homes that provided them with everything they needed physically, financially, etc... but tell me why adoptees should be grateful for that?!! 

We didn't choose to be born. We didn't choose to be neglected or tossed aside and we definitely get the opportunity to choose those who were our guardians. It really infuriates me when people always resort to that mentality. Yes, I grew up in a very privileged family financially. As for the mental, emotional, psychological support? Nah, there was NONE of that. 

In fact, my "mother" used to always resort to saying she wished she never laid eyes on me, and that she wished she never adopted me. She would say these at any given moment of time, especially when there was no one else to witness it. For those who DID witness it, they chose to turn a blind eye to it... which to me, made them just as guilty.

Let's skip past that part, as I wanted to discuss one particular feeling I know most, if not all, adoptees feel; at one point in their lives... that part of the puzzle that is missing. 

Where did we come from? What is our heritage?? Do we have more siblings??? Would life have been different if our family was blood???? WHY WAS I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?????

Well I DID do the search and found the woman who "spat me out" on my 19th birthday. As you can guess, by my choice of words; the meeting didn't go well. From the moment I met her, I did "appreciate" the people who adopted me, for at least teaching me morals and giving me a good education... I can admit, I love my dad dearly (to this day still). 

To make the meeting very brief, this woman told me that she knew who my biological father was, that she was still in touch with him; but even on her deathbed she would not tell me who he was. Despite that, I tried to have a relationship with her because I had 4 half brothers from her. It ended up, I just could NOT do it. This woman was nothing like my expectations of what a MOTHER was supposed to be. It now felt like I was rejected by TWO mothers...

I also had to walk away from her because I felt no one, including her, was going to have that kind of control over me. I was NOT going to beg her to give me the information about who my biological father was. It broke me emotionally, but that was my cross to bear.

Fast forward a couple decades and I now had children of my own. After have some very deep, emotionally conversations, my children proceeded to do the DNA Ancestry testing. Lo and behold, it was not even 24 hours before they found my biological family... Dicovering I had a sister and brother; but devastatingly the man who was my biological father had passed on two years prior. 

It took me a while to process the whole situation. I mean, how do you explain to people, that you're mourning a person you never met; but someone who was always a part of me... it took a year before things started to ease and I began to speak to my sister. I can say, I was thrilled to learn I had a sister, because she is the only BLOOD sister I have. 

She has been able to tell me stories about our father and they are heartwarming, but heartbreaking too. I cling on to her words when she told me that if he knew about me, he would have made sure I was taken care of. 

It's something I cherish with all my heart, it saddens me at times; but this is why when I say my friends are my chosen family and I say it as famILY, because the ILY truly DOES stand for I LOVE YOU!!!

I guess at the end of the day I am just giving people this little piece of advice... as an adoptee to any adoptee (or anyone) thinking of going down the path of searching through DNA Ancestry or any of these sites, please remember that going down what you think is a rabbit hole may in fact be a grave plot... or a "vault", if you will. My positive thoughts, vibes and love are with you on whatever your journey is and wherever it leads you.

~Phoenix