Tough Talk!!! TRIGGER WARNING!!!

 

Good Evening Lovies. This blurb may not be a long one, as I am trying to stay on the positive side of things this long, lonely night. It is now "Christmas Night", there are 6 more days left of 2024 and I sit here alone in my room, with just the light of my candle flickering, illuminating the faded, dark purple walls that surround me.

My heart weighs heavy... I had made the tough decision to go see my family (ie. my parents) for Christmas dinner today. TRUST when I say, I didn't make this choice lightly. 

There is A LOT of bad blood and a lot of scars that will never heal properly; but I do recognize that we all have scars... we all have maps of the pain we have endured and conquered; why am I any different? 

I wasn't going there with a "victim" mentality. I was going as a daughter, who (once again) was going to see her aging parents in an attempt to have a nice day and simply spend the day with them. I have to say, I am VERY grateful I went. I am VERY grateful I spoke to beloved before I went; because hearing what I needed to hear, rather than what I simply wanted to hear was vital in this decision!!!

I was a bit speechless when my mother admitted that I have matured, sooooo much. I took it as a great compliment, considering our history (which I am not divulging tonight). 

We talked about several topics, including my overdose that happened this past January. Neither of my parents knew about it, so I explained how I have friends who are my famILY and they are part of my safety plan and very involved in my life. I keep no medications in my house, whatsoever... This is for a few reasons... 

1. I can hit bouts of serious depression where I will not leave the house for months, sometimes even years (It HAS happened). Keeping meds at another person's home, forces me to get out of the house, everyday AND socialize... which is vital for the body, heart and soul!!!
2. I do not pre-plan. I do not stock pile my medications to plan out a suicide or attempt to kill myself. I have only used medications, never cutting myself or any other way of self-harming. 
3. I do it when something triggers me... I never know what the trigger is. I usually black out after I am triggered; so I have no clue I am doing it.

I know this is a tough topic for a lot of people, but for me and others who cope with mental health; and those who love us and cope with us in our episodes; these are very necessary conversations. Mental health is still very much a taboo topic. I am here to say, I am not ashamed to speak about my journey. I am a safe space for anyone who needs that shoulder, or ear, or if you need someone to sit in the dark with you... I am very fluent in silence too!!! Just know... and I KNOW this is much easier said than done... I AM HERE!!! YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!!

I guess what it comes down to, is my parents are in their 80s and they have a very difficult time comprehending why it happens. They for a long time feel it's all in my head (well, technically it is... but it's not)... I am finding that the more I speak about the realities of living with disorders like the ones I have, the more they are understanding that no one chooses to cope with these ailments, anymore than someone chooses to have diabetes or cancer. 

It's a tough topic. It's a painful topic. My mother even asked me today, if it bothered me to talk about it. I told her, it didn't bother me at all. I feel it is important to talk about it. If talking about it can educate people, or help even one person open up about their own anguish, than all of this is worth it.

I hope this blurb made sense... I am kinda winging it right now, as I have so many topics flying in my head right now. Stay blessed Lovies.

~Phoenix