Ramblings of a Canadian Gypsy Phoenix

  Page 31 of 366... The End of the first chapter of 2024... Where do I even begin with a recap of this month??? I can say that January has been very enlightening. I had a few very dark moments, but those dark times also showed me where the light truly was. January brought some new friends into my life, while it ushered out the toxic ones... well at least some of them. I am still working on weeding out the ones who don't deserve a seat at my table and whose going to be the ones cleaning up after me. I will never say that the new year didn't come with it's challenges because it most certainly has. I really had to put up boundaries and remove even family from my life because they were just too much for me to deal with; needless to say, this has caused some people to really see the darker side of me. This page is the last of the first chapter, and I gotta say, this day was not an easy one. I had to get very blunt with someone today, and flat out tell them to "Fuck Off!!!...

Hello again everyone. I hope y'all had a great day and an even better night. I am going to be pushing the limits here a bit with this entry because this is something I am very passionate about and have dealt with for a good 35 years... I know that I have touched on this subject on my facebook, but I really wanted to expand on the post I made. This is what I posted... "Truth!!! We gotta do better as a society, and Healthcare system... stop shoving meds and tossing people off... if we don't get to the root of the problems/issues, all you're doing is putting a band-aid on a ripped off limb (so to speak)." I wrote the post when I was in the middle of dealing and healing from my overdose; so BELIEVE ME when I tell you this is an extremely important subject to me. Where do I really start with such a vital subject??? I guess I should just share my own personal experience on this subject... I was introduced to anti-depressants when I was approximately 14 years old, and wh...

  Page 30 of 366... Good Day my sweet Lovies... This entry is going to be a bit confusing, but to those who know, they know what I am talking about. I am just going to dive in, because I really don't know any other way to bring this to the forefront... other than just leaping off with both feet... so here it goes... For those of you who have been oblivious about what has been happening lately; here's the low down. At the beginning of the month, I overdosed, clearly with the intention of killing myself; although I don't have any memory of doing it...  About a week later, I was disgustingly informed that my beloved aunt had passed away, AND I missed the funeral.  Not a single person informed me... even though she considered me one of her daughters. I am not sure how to quite process the lack of respect in this instance, so I am going to continue with what I need to talk about today. As my wise, best friend has told me... CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN... FUCK THE REST!!! After learnin...

Page 29 of 366. Hi y'all. I just wanted to start this one on a sweeter note as the rest of this blurb may go pretty dark, fairly quick. As you have read in previous entries, today is a crap day for me... actually most of January is a shitshow for me; but I don't really wanna talk about Teddybear and his death date anniversary today... I wrote my heart out, and then I spent some time listening to music that normally makes me tear up.  Don't get it twisted, I DID cry a little bit today, but as he would have wanted, I dusted myself off and carried on with the day. It just feels insane to me that we are going on 15 years without the big lug... Time flies, yet seems to stand still. If that makes any sense. Anyways, this entry is about those who continue to attempt to put drama and bullshit into my life. I do not understand why people have to be this way... like I am so over the crap they are pulling. I am pretty sure we are grown ass adults, its seriously time to cut the cord an...

  Good Morning Lovies. It's the day I dread the most, and I don't know how to feel, to be perfectly honest. If you've been following my blog, then you know that today is the 14th anniversary of my beloved teddybear. I like taking this day to myself and just reflect on the love we had, sometimes wondering how things would be, if he were still alive. Wayne was larger than life. Many people who have seen him, but didn't know him were very ignorant because of his looks... he is one of the main reasons I have just started to look at people for their souls, not for any particular way they looked.  As I have often stated, if I had to choose between a man who is clean shaven, in a suit... someone who most women would find absolutely sexy and appealing... and a man who tatted up and in leathers, which some people would view as "gross" or "violent" or "trouble"; I would choose the tatted man. Because more often than not, they would have a story to te...

  I just got to giggle for a minute, because I am posting so much stuff on my mind today, that I just about called it "verbal diarrhea". LMFAO I know, I have been preaching about how much I wil not allow negative things and negative people to change the way I love. I cannot nor will not change my big, ever loving heart... it's a part of me, and I will not give that up for anybody nor anything.  The one thing that I have changed is this... I no longer am putting anyone before myself ever again. There is a very fine line between loving people and them taking all they can from you... I call those people "vampyres" because they don't just take any money you can give to them, they take all your energy and leave you so drained that you're not even sure you'd ever recover. I have learned that once people (most people), see how giving you are, they will take and take until you are literally broke and broken... and I am simply refusing to give anyone that ...

  I am on a roll today LOL. We are approaching the 2nd anniversary of the Freedom Convoy that took over Ottawa and Parliament Hill, and I feel we all need to truly acknowledge those who were the freedom fighters when no one else would step forward. Our so-called government did everything in their power to destroy what was happening, as truckers drove across Canada to fight for our rights and freedoms. The dumbass in charge decided he would use a heavy hand and punish everyone remotely involved, including supporters.  He invoked the Emergencies Act, literally freezing people's bank accounts, towing the trucks, arresting civilians, including using brutal force on what was a peaceful (for the most part) protest. The truckers were only demanding to speak to the government, which the cowards refused and strong armed what they liked to call the "Fringe Minority". I would ask if he was blind, because there were millions of us supporting this movement and he only pissed us off mo...

  I had kept saying to myself that I was not going to respond to what is being thrown at me, but today, I honestly feel like I need to get down in the mud and fling that shyt right back. I am not going to go into excessive detail because I will never and have never felt the need to explain my side of anything... those who know me, know me; as for the rest, I couldn't give a rat's ass what your opinon of me is... you're insignificant to me and my life so as per usual... YOUR OPINION OF ME IS NOT MY BUSINESS!!! I, in general, feel that if you want to come at me, have at it; but don't ever hurt my loved ones because I have zero problem of doing what needs to be done... and if it came to it, I'd be smiling in my mug shot (Just saying). Without further adieu, I am just going to jump into the subject at hand... hope you're ready!!! This is one of the few times that I will not accept what is happening to me. The disrespect itself is leaving a brutally nasty taste in my...

  Page 27 of 366. Good Morning all you lovely souls. As you can see, page 26 is another blank page in my life. I really got into my head at some points, but thankfully I have some awesome people in my life who I hung out with at various times throughout the day. I know I say "thank you" quite often, but I always feel that word is't suffice for actually how grateful I am.  As I have written before, January 26th is my beloved Uncle's death date. This year it hit me much harder than others because as I have stated, his wife, passed away only 10 days before, this year... I admit I have been having an almost impossible time processing all of this. I can say, I did better than expected, but the real test will be on MOnday the 29th of January. I do have to mention a person who is fairly new in my life; we met while we both were facing difficult circumstances and formed a bond immediately. I won't mention names, but she knows who she is. She has brought a light into my li...

Page 25 of 366. Hi everyone. I know I am a bit late writing this, but it has been an exhausting few days. For the most part, I have been able to keep my shyt together, and reach out to my loved ones when I am dealing with tough moments, so YES, I am working on the coping mechanisms I was learning in therapy. I don't want to jinx it, but it feels like each day I face, I am a bit stronger... But don't get me wrong, there have been some pretty hefty "knock down" moments that have triggered me in ways I didn't think I could cope with... BUT HERE I AM!!! It could be the fact that I got some beautiful, loving new companions that are able to soften the blow of even the worst kind.  I do continue to hear things certain people are saying about me, but I continue to rise above it; because it is literally their words and actions that speak for themselves. Currently they can't even keep their lies straight and I have zero interest in telling my side of the story because f...

  I don't really have a salutation for this blurb as I am a bit frustrated today. Without getting too indepth with things, y'all know that we get free healthcare here in Canada, at least in Ontario, I can't speak for the other provinces and territories because it's been a bit since I lived in British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, New Brunswick; but here it is supposed to be free.... well let me tell you what that looks like... For the most part I cannot complain, because I absolutely love my family doctor and would have recommended him over and over to those who needed one. I am very fond of my urologist and my heamtologist/oncologist... It's these specialists I have problems with... They don't communicate with each other, and definitely don't share results or information with my family physician. There is one HUGE thing that irks me with these specialists... the fact that they feel their time is more valuable than everyone else's.  One example of tha...

  Page 24 of 366. As I have already warned everyone, today is going to be a difficult day, with very mixed emotions... Today, I would like to honour my Uncle Keith, today is his birthday. He would have turned 85 today, so I am giving him a huge HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY UNCLE KEITH. It really is hard to believe how quickly time has passed. But just know, I am keeping my promise to you... What some of you don't know, my uncle was one of my biggest cheerleaders and motivators behind my writing. He read everything I have ever written, until his passing, but I had made a vow to him. I say "vow" because we all seem to recognize that "promises" are meant to be broken... or whatever this fkd up world believes, because I am still one of the few that feel, if you don't have your word, you have nothing... Your word is your honour, at least in my opinion. Basically, my Uncle Keith was someone who constantly encouraged me to follow my dreams, no matter what. He never held...

  Good Morning my Lovies. I hope you all had a restful night. I can honestly say, if it wasn't for my meds, I wouldn't have slept at all. Yesterday was a fairly decent day, although I did have my moments of uncertainty and wavered on the line between a complete melt down, or keep a brave face and hope it'll get better... WELLLLLLL, the evening ended in kind of a shitshow - not anyone's fault, but I'll explain what happened. I was sitting on the couch with my friend, hey, let's just call her my daughter because that is how our friendship is. She is the greatest person who, like me, is often misunderstood. She is a sweet, caring, beautiful soul who I am very privileged to have in my life.  As I was saying, the later part of the evening is when shit kinda went sideways. She was preparing to go home when I put my hand on the wall behind the couch, only to find that the wall was wet and my floor was soaked. It got me extremely agitated and my anxiety went through the...

  I am just going to dive right into this one because, as you read in my last post, I am NOT in the mood for any bullshit and I am working extremely hard to stay positive; also working on reaching out to my loved ones before I fall into the rabbit hole, so here is what this week looks like for me... Tomorrow, would have been my beloved Uncle's birthday, and I would always be the niece who called him every year, no matter where I was in the world, to make sure he knew I loved him and always had him on my mind. Not just that, but I have the cancer clinic tomorrow for myself; so its a double crappy day already. On the 26th, it will be that very Uncle's death date. He passed away in 2018, two days after his 80th birthday. Sadly, his wife passed away on the 16th of January this year; so it's going to be an equally hard day; but I am sure I will get through the day with the love and support of those in my life.  The most difficult day of the week will be coming a mere three days ...

  Page 23 of 366.  Good Day Lovies... today is once again going to be an interesting entry, because to be perfectly honest I am pissed as hell at someone and this blurb is going to be about her. We all know I don't use names, and this one will be the same, but I am not mincing words to appease or accommodate anyone's fkn feelings!!! As you can see from the title, it has to do with someone who did someone I love, very "dirty", and I won't stand for it. Not only did you do my loved one dirty, but you made people, including me, look like a fool!!! I am LITERALLY calling you a "C U Next Tuesday!!!" because that is exactly what you are! I hope everyone has grabbed their favourite drink and plopping a squat because this one is going to be vulgar and probably one of the nastier ones I have ever written... I won't go into excessive detail as I don't want to spend too much time on this topic, but I feel necessary to write this... So, long story short, a f...

  This may be a bit of a weird, off the wall kinda of entry, but one that is necessary. I am going to give you a little bit of my history, so that you may understand (or not), as to the WHY?!! I am going to be legally changing my last name. I currently go under my adopted last name, and there is so much pain associated with it that I feel it is time for me to cut all ties and just be me. I don't want a last name that only brings tears to my eyes when I hear it, or say it; let alone think it. I have also decided I am not going to take on  the woman who spit me out's last name neither, because frankly, I never considered this person/thing to be any form of a "mother" to me. I really don't want the negativity associated with the name, nor do I want to "ride off" the name neither. I know that it is not possible, but I truly wish I would have known my bio-father, because I'd like to think that I would have taken his last name and held it close to my heart...

Page 22 of 366.  Good Morning, my Lovies. It is definitely a Monday, don't ask why I am in this kind of mood this morning. Maybe it's because I had a fairly good day yesterday, got into my routine of cooking a massive meal; which I was doing in the crisis center I stayed in... because I feel that like music, food is an international language on it's own.  Many of the "residents" expressed their gratitude for me cooking, even admitting that the simple gesture of offering them food, was enough to draw them out of the shell they were hiding in... needless to say, the cooking also helped me cope with what was going on in my life. I think this morning, I am desperately holding onto those moments as it's going to be a stressful day... My anxiety is already through the roof, and it's not even 9am here. I had a fairly decent sleep last night, but I was riddled with nightmares. Maybe it is my PTSD kicking in, maybe it's because I am anticipating a lot of bullsh...